And So The Healing Begins

Heyy, 

So last Tuesday was my birthday and whilst I did not mention this in last week's blog post, I thought that I would mention it now! Happy Birthday to me! It is always awkward when you have a birthday in the middle of the week. Everyone is working or have other commitments and dinner out was an expensive luxury to do twice. Instead I settled for my Birthday Eve when Mr. Warehouse and Miss Tweedle-Dee joined me to indulge in my favourite thing eating out and sushi. And although my best friend and boyfriend were not fully enjoying themselves - Miss Tweedle-Dee felt poorly and Mr. Warehouse was still unsure on the concept of raw fish - But I certainly wasn't and gorged on many dishes of salmon and sticky rice. 

Afterwards Mr. Warehouse, Miss Tweedle-Dee and I took an after dinner stroll and I was giving my birthday present from my bestie. Opening the different envelope they all contained information about a wonderful idea and something that was just otherworldly. With the run-up to Halloween coming quickly I am so excited for Autumn and Spookies to come, so with all of this in mind Miss Tweedle-Dee paid for us to both encounter the paranormal inside one of Britain's Most Haunted prisons - HMP Gloucester. 

The website states that HMP Gloucester has a long and chilling history with many of the executed criminals remain buried in the grounds of the prison. Some of the most infamous serial killers have been incarcerated within the walls of Gloucester Prison. The prison formally closed on 31 March 2013 but the suffering and torment is deeply etched within the fabric of this foreboding location. Originally built as the County Gaol in 1700s at a cost of £34,000 with a capacity of 350 prisoners each in separate cells, there were also separate cells for debtors of both sexes.Between 1792 and 1864 at least 102 executions took place using the considered more humane 'New Drop' style gallows with many of the executed being buried in unmarked graves where they still remain today. Join the team as we spend the night at the terrifying HMP Gloucester with the tormented souls that remain.

Miss Tweedle-Dee and I will start our overnight ghost hunt at HMP Gloucester in the afternoon of Saturday 20th October 2018 when my Besitie and I will drive, in her new car, down to Gloucestershire and check into the hotel to try and get some rest. Our experience will start at 9pm that night and will be sure to really test our nerve. An experience that we are sure will not forget and with suffering torment and death deeply etched into the very fabric of this imposing prison we may meet more than just the guide. Gloucester Prison was home to the notorious serial killer Fred West so during the night we might be in contact with him and all those who remain as Miss Tweedle-Dee and I join in carrying out seances, vigils and experiments in the most active areas of the imposing location. At 3am all is well as Miss Tweedle-Dee and I will return to the hotel, hopefully not possessed or contaminated by demonic spirits to sleep and the following day maybe some nice relaxing shopping ... Or maybe a trip to Church?!

One present that I did not expect to receive was an email in my inbox from a charitable organisation in the heart of Bedford called the Amicus Trust. In the email they detailed about how I had reached out to someone that could help me with my mental state and said that they were able to give me counselling sessions in order to work through my problems as quickly as possible so that life can get back on track. I am still on my medication but I  now feel quite pressured from loved ones to get things sorted and frankly it is becoming a little too much to bear. I know that people mean well and that in reality I am of the knowledge that I need to sort out these issues but first and foremost, I need to sort myself out.Trust me when I say that it is simply a long story that I may share with you another time.

Leaving the house with plenty of time on Friday morning just in case parking was a bitch, I was anxious as I always am at my first meeting with my current therapist. I found a parking space straight away and with that proceeded to scroll through my social media pages whilst I waited for an appropriate time when I would be able to walk through the doors without being too early. Locking my car and walking past many of the unscrupulous faces I saw on that Friday morning I realised that the the exact location of my therapy Sessions were actually in the heart of Bedford and area which is renowned for its poor reputation and well known for being a bad side of town. But with this in mind I thought that there would be no better place to have a charity or organisation such as the Amicus Trust.

Meeting the gentleman that I had been emailing for the last fortnight or so was interesting to say the least. He was extremely friendly and easy to get to know. Immediately I was relaxed and at ease with his company He offered me a cup of coffee which was nice as it was the morning and I have not eaten yet but it also helped in breaking the ice in what would otherwise be a rather emotionally fuelled situation. Sitting down at a large wooden table, the room was dimly lit and despite the large window next to the table being hidden by the blinds I could still hear the busy street outside. My Therapist was an larger framed gentleman maybe in his late fifties with long salt and pepper curly hair tied back in a ponytail. He wore a dusky purple corduroy shirt straight out of the 70s or 80s and with the skin tags littering his eyes and wrinkly face I knew that I can trust him. 

And so we began unravelling my tale. It is a complex and complicated one and something in which we only got to the bottom of this evening, however after the last two sessions I can safely say that things can be fixed and everything can be resolved one way or another. There are certainly a lot of issues that we need to work through and get to the bottom of but he assures me that it can all be mended. Its funny, walking out of my therapy session tonight has made me feel more positive and hopeful than I think I have felt in the last few months about my mental health and I am sure that I will work through it to get back to me again. It will be long and hard and difficult, but I'm ready!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

An Amicus Curiae

Hello, 

Sat waiting for my appointment at the doctors Saturday morning I was I was anxious to say the least about what the doctor's and medical professionals would say. After my most recent appointment with them they had advised to continue my medication whilst I awaited an appointment where I can be seen through the NHS for counselling but this seems to be harder than you would have initially thought. 

After a few counselling sessions earlier on in my treatment process, I was unable to continue with them due to the high cost of the sessions themselves. They certainly helped but at £70.00 for an hour long session it was certainly not something I could afford right now or keep up, although that being said I was and still am eternally grateful for the help received. During those early therapy sessions, I finally opened up to the realisation that maybe medication is just what I needed at that point and with that I went to the doctors in order to get a quick fix. 

I'm sad and almost ashamed to admit that my work was suffering  and with a House move in the works I couldn't loose this job. As my social life dwindled also because of everything that was going on, I had, stupidly really, tried for the last few months (because the weeks of cloudiness beforehand had now turned into months) to not succumb to the need for medication in order to treat my mental health issues. Truth be told is that I needed a fairly instant result in improving my mood and therefore my performance, both at and away from my desk. The tablets used to make me feel quite queasy and nauseous most of the time but I knew they were good for me and what I needed would come soon. I needed, still do really, therapy and counselling and I need to talk about it, not medicate it away.

I have spoken before about how I was shocked that the doctor handed them out so easily, asking me very little questions about what is going on in my life to make me feel like this and how I am feeling. Unlike before there were no silly questionnaire about how depressed I am or the likeliness that I might top myself on a scale of one to ten.Every other time I have been to the doctors (not that there have been many, gosh makes me sound like a right nut case, but there have been a few occasions) there has always been a lengthy conversation about how I feel and how I have become to feel this way. Strangely I feel as though there should have been at least a little bit more push and pull. Then again maybe it was obvious and looking at my medical history it seemed the best thing for me. Initially when I went to the doctors in May of this year I was told that I will be placed on a waiting list for free counselling through the NHS and was told it would be roughly a three-month time slot from when I was referred. 

Obviously I continued with my therapy sessions and when they came to an end I went back to the doctor in order to have a check-up generally on the medication that I was on and it just so happened that it was coming up close to the three-month mark in July. I was told that it would probably be better if I went to speak to the Bedfordshire Well-Being team which were based outside of the doctors surgery and whilst part of the NHS were a different entity that could help. It was here that I learnt that it can be anywhere between eighteen-months and two-years. Certainly not the three-month time slot I was given when I first started back in April / May. 

After a meeting with a lady at the Bedfordshire Well-Being team, it was suggested by several mental health practitioners that I undertake what I thought was going to be a group therapy counselling session lasting 5 weeks. I thought that we all walk into the room sit down in a circle and say "Hi, my name is blah blah blah and I have a problem with abandonment issues particularly to do with my parents". Unfortunately this was far from the case and in actual fact it was a rather patronising lesson in what depression is and how it will make you feel. 
"No surprised that I have found it completely unhelpful as I am here because I have relapsed" I thought during my first two sessions. I am already my own well-being expert. I know the issues I have and ways I can slip back under the darkness. I already know how it feels to be depressed and I know what I need to do in order to get out. As narcissistic as it sounds I know what I am on about as I am already, at the grand old age of nearly 27, an expert of my own mental health issues.  

It was at this point that I spoke with the doctor and she confirmed that it would not be wise to stop medication and advised that in most circumstances medication is taken for a minimum of six-months, however with everything still quite unstable in my life in terms of my housing situation as well as my issues with family members, by the time the six-month anniversary comes around in October I probably will not be cured. I know that this is something I need to continue in order to build up it's effect, regardless of how I felt much better. I know that coupled with counselling and therapy I will get better it will just maybe take a little bit longer. 

Struggling I took the decision after talking with the Bedfordshire Well-Being team and several of the staff there I ended the patronising group lessons and have since then been in vainly trying to find anywhere locally that will be able to see me at such a short period of time that are not grossly expensive is almost nigh on Impossible. After a long sit in the doctors waiting room last Saturday morning, I saw the doctor (a different one every time I have been I must admit) I expressed my concerns to the them who promptly told me that it was a difficult position to be in for everyone involved. On the one hand going to my GP and seeking medical attention for my mental health was and continually is a great step in making myself better. As a result of that directly I have been put on medication to treat and improve my "chemical mood", something in which I feel is benefiting me greatly. Whilst awaiting it be one-to-one counselling via the NHS, there is very little that anyone can actually offer that will be of any use or help. 

Whilst I appreciate that the NHS in England is definitely under a huge strain, it is fundamentally wrong and critically important to increase the waiting times to a better standard.The thing is, if I broke my leg on the other hand they would try to operate as soon as immediately possible, having me in and out of that specific treatment quickly and efficiently so as to move on to the next patient. And yet for mental health it appears as though there is a lack of understanding in terms of how life threatening and dangerous it is for patients to wait to seek treatment. As with a broken leg mental health can become infected very quickly and easily causing more and more damage, and yet despite all of this the waiting list in the UK, at least for England anyway, is minimum of eighteen months and two years. 

Whilst the medicine I am on made me feel queasy and nauseous in the beginning, that has now subsided and I am now left feeling quite positive and happy in myself and my life generally although this doesn't stop the pressure that I feel from loved ones and frankly it is becoming a little too much to bear sometimes. I know that people mean well and that in reality I am of the knowledge that I need to sort out these issues but first and foremost, I need to sort myself out. Trust me when I say that it is simply a long story that I may share with you another time, but for the meantime I am doing as well as can be and battling it through to make the best out of what I have. I have been in touch recently with a couple of charities local to Bedford, one of them called the Amicus Trust which have said that they are able to give me some help with free counselling sessions in order to work through my problems as quickly as possible so that life can get back on track. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Forgetting and Falling!

Evening All, 

With the last few weeks and maybe a month or so looking and feeling brighter, I feel as though I have been lured into a false sense of security with my medication. Today and even maybe over the weekend where I stayed with Miss Tweedle-Dee whilst she house / puppy sat for her brother, I haven't been feeling sadder than usual and in a generally low mood. Several times today during what was a trying day at work (probably made worse by my lack of concentration and focus), I had noticed that I was on the brink of tears and to think that I had only missed two days worth of tablets. I could definitely tell that my focus and concentration had shifted at my desk not to anything in particular but just simply off the task in hand. I know I need to block everything out as best I can and try harder with what matters. Previously I had tried to muddle through the cloudiness, not to not succumbing to the need for medication in order to treat my mental health issues but truth be told is that I still need them as much today as I did weeks ago. 

This evening I also had a doctor's appointment in order to discuss my ongoing medication and going forward with my diagnosis. Whilst the medicine I am on made me feel queasy and nauseous in the beginning, that has now subsided and I am now left feeling quite positive and happy in myself and my life generally. Well that was until I forgot to take my meds yesterday and today. I didn't plan to it was just a simple fact of forgetting to take them and being outside of a normal routine. 

I spoke with the doctor and she confirmed that it would not be wise to stop medication and advised that in most circumstances medication is taken for a minimum of six-months, however with everything still quite unstable in my life in terms of my housing situation as well as my issues with family members, by the time the six-month anniversary comes around in October I probably will not be cured. I know that this is something I need to continue in order to build up it's effect, regardless of how I feel much better. I know that coupled with counselling and therapy I will get better it will just maybe take a little bit longer. Speaking of which, the doctor had advised to continue also with counselling sessions and therapy as it had temporarily been put on hold as I had finished my previous sessions and now awaiting a appointment where I can be seen through the NHS. 

After months of being in a bit of a whirlwind of emotions and life events, I am hoping that it is coming to an end, although I know deep down it is not. With Mr and Mrs Tweedle-Dee's big move to America coming soon in the first week of September and hopefully our house move before then I can only imagine that things will probably get worse not better. I know that this is a happy time where we should be excited about finally getting a home of our own and looking forward to putting our own stamp on the place. With the house seemingly moving along nicely and with the solicitors now finishing up their searches and the surveyor from the Mortgage Lender going in today,, I am feeling more positive than ever. There is no move date as yet so don't grab your red cups and vodka for the house party just yet. Following the survey on the house today to make sure that the house is worth the amount of money we are borrowing against it, hopefully we should hear back in the next couple of days with our mortgage offer and fingers crossed a date for our completion and exchange. I am almost certain after talking to different people at work and through other groups of friends that the process will speed along and hopefully still be set to move in before Mr and Mrs Tweedle-Dee depart. 

Whilst I am looking forward to sending my best friend off to a whole new world and life in sunny L.A, but sometimes I just feel sad about it all. I think it finally hit me (again) this weekend that I be loosing an incredible friendship with Mrs Tweedle-Dumb and whilst I have some amazing people around me, in particular Miss Tweedle-Dee, Miss Hackney and Miss SugarCoat nothing will ever replace my first ever best friend. I feel ashamed and selfish when I think about Mrs Tweedle-Dumb moving away with her new hubby, partly because I know the fun that we will all have trying to Skype and FaceTime each other (and not to forget the incredible holibobs), but more so because I would not have given a flying fuck about who was left behind or what they were feeling - I would have been long gone! And I want her to do the same because we will be OK back here because sitting on the reclining sofa across from Miss Tweedle-Dee she and I both knew how hard it might be but that despite it all our friendship would be OK. She knows better than anyone I think that sometimes its not even saying anything at all its just sitting and being there to be extra company other than your own thoughts. Sometimes that is just enough. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Difficult Roads Often Lead To Beautiful Destinations

Suup, 

I never thought that I would have festival blues like I did at Reading Festival back in 2014, oh boy do I have a big come down from the glitter and frolics of a festival atmosphere. Truth be told I didn't think that I would have enjoyed myself or looked forward to the Bedford River Festival as much as I did. Maybe it was the drib's and drabs of family and friends throughout the weekends festivities that made it as good as it was, or maybe it was just simply down to the fact that I felt much better than I have done in the last few months. I suppose that the reality is that next time the Bedford River Festival comes around we will be living in our new home and who knows what life might be like then. although I am sure that there will still be a place for some glitter and denim shorts to enjoy the drumming music, incredible smelling food and host of activities and things to do and see. 

With the last few months being a bit of a whirlwind in terms of emotions and life events, I decided a couple of weeks ago that I would book a few days off at the end of the month after payday in order to have a little bit of me time for rest and recuperation. Suggested by several of my friends including Miss Hackney and Miss Sugarcoat who I have met up with a few times over the last couple of weeks, I think a few days to relax and take time for myself will be beneficial and can only do me some good. I have a few things planned such as some nice lye-in's and watching telly. On Wednesday I will be getting my hair done which maybe doesn't seem like such a big deal but for me a relaxing afternoon in the hairdressers chair is just what I need. Maybe afterwards I might take a trip over to one of the retail outlets a few miles out of town in order for some retail therapy and a treat or two.

Thursday's plans will consist of going to my usual counselling sessions and therapy, however this week will be the first of the NHS Treatments. In the afternoon I also have a doctor's appointment in order to discuss my ongoing medication and going forward with my diagnosis. Whilst the medicine I am on has finally stopped making me feel queasy and nauseous, I haven't stopped taking them as I know that this is something I need to continue in order to build up it's effect, regardless of how I feel much better and more back to normal. I know that coupled with counselling and therapy I will get better it will just maybe take a little bit longer. 

Friday is what I am really looking forward to as I will be accompanying Mr Warehouse to a spa in London. Courtesy in part to Nanny Pumpkin's Christmas present to Mr Warehouse and I we will be enjoying a gorgeous fruit platter as well as some relaxing treatments. I think just simply having some time just for us will be nice as I think life just takes over and before you know it it has been weeks since you have spent time with each other. 

I know after spending Sunday afternoon in the sunshine with two of my favourite people, Nanny Pumpkin and Mr Warehouse, I realise the heartbreaking reality that whilst my Grandma is doing her own thing and thoroughly enjoying life skipping off here, there and everywhere, I know in reality by the amount of times my grandfather was mentioned that she does miss him. Listening to Miss Hackney and Miss Sugarcoat their own grandparents and how their lives have been affected since one of them had passed away made me want to spend time, and quality time at that with Mr Warehouse whilst we have the chance to do so before mortgages and family life takes over. 

This is a happy time where we should be excited about finally getting a home of our own and looking forward to putting our own stamp on the place, although I think Mr Warehouse would agree with me when we both say that life has not been the easiest for us at the moment. It has been a poisonous melting pot of complicated issues including my mental health, Mr. Warehouse's skin condition and his own health worries all mixed together with a good helping of work issues and family problems, sprinkled with the stress of buying a house and preparing to move home. When the Devil on my shoulder tells me that it is going to be very expensive and makes me question as to whether Mr Warehouse and I can afford it, I must remember all of the other times that I thought or wondered how I would ever afford what I wanted in life. I am sure that I will look back a year from now and wonder as to what exactly I spent my money on. 

It terrifies me to think that I will have to depend on someone else both financially and in the general upkeep and running of the house in Mr Warehouse. To say that things have been tense or highly strung has been a understatement and I would say Mr Warehouse and I have argued more than we have ever in the last few months than we ever have in the last three and a half years we have been dating. But for all the snippy comments or playful bickering that happens between us I cannot fault Mr Warehouse for his support and love over the last few months, holding me up high when I was down in my lowest points and making me feel so loved and wanted it's unreal. I don't think that there is literally anything that his arms couldn't cuddle away and I know that whatever life throws at us I will be able to deal with it just as long as I have him by my side, wiping away the tears and making things better for as long as we have ... 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Glitter Makes Everything Better (Unless Its Gary)

Heyy everyone, 

Donning some glitter and denim shorts I was looking forward to the hotly anticipated Bedford River Festival this weekend and with the music drumming, food smelling incredible and host of friendly and familiar faces along the way, this weekends antics have certainly put a smile on my face. Following what has been a very difficult and stressful few months for me, I honestly feel the best that I think I have felt in a very long time. Now whether this is because my work life is a lot better or maybe it's the medication for my depression that has kicked in, I am just glad to say that life seems to be getting brighter again. I suppose when I really try and put my finger on it, my improvement in mood comes down to the fact that nothing major has really happened to improved it apart from my medication. 

Whilst the medicine I am on has finally stopped making me feel queasy and nauseous (something that only ever seem to happen in the morning before lunch which made me paranoid that I may be pregnant) I know it would be silly for me to simply stop taking them all together as I know that this is something I need to continue in order to build up it's effect, coupled with counselling and therapy of course. I just needed something - anything- to take the edge off and make it all seem a little less sharper. I have sometimes questioned as to whether I am suffering a placebo effect from just simply popping some pills every morning along with a Hayfever tablet, but as some of you may know I had tried to muddle through the cloudiness and not succumb to the need for medication for some time. I know that therapy and counselling is helping make a difference and battling my demons, but I also need to look forward and celebrate my future. 

This is a time where I should be happy and excited about finally getting the home I have always dreamt of, well at least in part. With the house seemingly moving along nicely and with the solicitors now instructed and doing their thing with searches and the likes, I am feeling more positive than ever. There is no move date as yet so don't grab your red cups and vodka for the house party just yet. I am almost certain after talking to different people at work and through other groups of friends that the process will quicken pace and before I know it the contract will be with us ready to sign on the dotted line. 

Does it makes me nervous about getting a house? Yes, of course it does! However I have to put everything into perspective and when the Devil on my shoulder tells me that it is going to be very expensive and makes me question as to whether Mr Warehouse and I can afford it, I must remember all of the other times that I thought or wondered how I would ever afford what I wanted in life. I look back even now over the last couple of years before I had Vivienne (my car) and I question as to what exactly I spent my money on as I didn't have much to show for it. Before I moved into my bachelor pad upstairs in the block that I currently reside, I lived in a studio type room within a house of multiple occupancy and even back then when I was on pretty much minimum wage, jumping from job to job, I question what I spent my cash on. 

It terrifies me to think that I will yet again have to depend on someone else and with that statement I mean that I will not be able to afford the house by myself should anything go wrong and therefore will rely on Mr Warehouse and his input both financially and in running the place. Now I know that for many of you who are already married or cohabiting that this may not seem like such a big deal, but I don't know, maybe this is a problem for me because I have been let down many times by other people, both in past romantic relationships as well as within my close family network. My therapist has said that abandonment is a major part of my life and that many things can trigger this rejection so making sure that someone doesn't get too close or that I don't depend on anyone apart from me is simply my way of coping and dealing with never feeling cast aside, unwanted or unloved ever again. I think my one biggest fears going into the whole experience of buying a home with someone I am not married to is that I know there is no legal standing when it comes to our separation, regardless when or even if it happens. Mind you, I suppose that being married doesn't necessarily mean that someone will not get up and just leave you either. 

I have to remember that this is a happy time in my life and that one day I will explain to my own children about how I bought my first home at the ripe old age of twenty-six. I suppose there isn't many of my friend circle, if any at all, that have been able to get onto the property ladder without any financial help from someone, family or otherwise. I am seriously glad to be feeling even a little bit more back to normal and I am ever so grateful for the amount of support and love I have had over the last few months, fingers crossed it won't be long before I can once again walk in the sunshine and Sparkle as I did before. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Friends Are Medicine for the Soul!

Hello everyone, 

Following last weeks rather abrupt and a matter of fact way of saying that I am now accepted that maybe medication for my depression is just what I need right now, I am glad to say that I have probably had one of the best weeks so far in my treatment. The funny thing really is that nothing major has really happened to improved my mood apart from my medication. With this in mind, I have questioned as to whether I am suffering a placebo effect from just simply popping some pills. 

Opening last week's blog may have been quite blunt and to the point, but I must stress that I do not take decisions like these lightly and I have tried to muddle through for the weeks of cloudiness have now turned into months. I have tried not to not succumb to the need for medication in order to treat my mental health issues but truth be told is that I needed a fairly fast result in improving my mood and therefore my performance, both at and away from my desk. I know I need therapy and counselling, but I also need to block everything out as best i can and focus on my job as this is what matters and what holds the key to my future. This time the stakes are higher. There is so much more to lose. My job. My lifestyle. Even my dream home are all on the line. I cannot mess this up. Whilst the medication I am on make me feel quite queasy and nauseous most of the time, I just need to take the edge off and make everything a little less sharper. so I can concentrate more and focus.

With the doctor practically signing me away with them so easily last week or so, all with not so much as a confirmation of my mental state, I am glad to be feeling a little bit more back to normal. This is not to say that I can stop taking them as the effects are something that are to be built up overtime and whilst for the super long term I hope not to be on them I know I need them right now just to simply get by and block everything else out so I can focus on what I need to. Counselling has been getting better and a lengthy conversation about how I feel and how I have become to feel this way ensued this week with some ideas about how I can tackle or deal with the issues that I have at present. 

I know people are probably silently judging me or maybe they already have questioned how I can be so happy and jolly when I have depression, however I would first ask them to never judge a book by its cover as you never know what someone is going through or how deep their problems lie. Whilst most of the people around me have been wonderfully supportive I feel like somehow breaking your leg and clearly having it in plaster makes it easier for people to talk about a illness or being sick, but with disorders such as anxiety, depression and other mentally debilitating conditions it is not so easy. 

I learnt this weekend that I have some amazing people around me, in particular Miss Tweedle-Dee. Sitting in her garden, hot as hell and struggling with the ridiculous thirty-something degree heat wave we in the UK have been getting I realised I had someone very special to me. She in particular know that sometimes its not even saying anything at all its just sitting and being there to be extra company other than your own thoughts. And sometimes that is just enough. That is all you need. Someone so gentle as to pat me on the leg with a sympathetic look that tells me she knows exactly what I am going through and that it really will be OK in the end. Someone to give me a big cuddle and make everything not seem so awful. She is the best! 

Combined with the firecracker that is Miss Tweedle-Dumb I think we have an unstoppable friendship that has lasted years and will carry on through the decades and even across the pond. Obviously my heart will break when Miss and Mr Tweedle-Dumb leave for America but I know they will be alright and we can always visit, eat Twinkies (God I hate Twinkies), go shopping at Target and walk along the beaches of LA. And everything will be OK because it always is when you have friends like them. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Taking The Edge Off

Heyy, 

So this week I started med's. Yep that's right ladies and gentlemen I have finally opened up to the realisation that maybe medication is just what I need right now. Is it's easy for me to just come out and say it like that, no not really but then again how do you go about saying it or explaining it to someone that doesn't know or understand. 

In fact, I was quite shocked and almost borderline appalled that the doctor handed them out so easily. No silly questionnaire about how depressed I am or on a scale of one to ten of likeliness that I might top myself. Every other time I have been to the doctors (not that there have been many, gosh makes me sound like a right nut case, but there have been a few occasions) there has been a lengthy conversation about how I feel and how I have become to feel this way. Strangely I feel as though there should have been at least a little bit more push and pull. Then again maybe it was obvious and looking at my medical history it seemed the best thing for me. 

Opening this week's blog may have been quite blunt and to the point, but I must stress that I do not take decisions like these lightly and I have tried for the last few months (because the weeks of cloudiness have now turned into months) to not succumb to the need for medication in order to treat my mental health issues at the moment. Truth be told is that I never really wanted to be on them in the first place, but the fact of the matter is I need a fairly instant result in improving my mood and therefore my performance, both at and away from my desk. I know what I need. I need therapy and counselling and I need to talk about it. I know not to throw the word depression around like it is nothing. It is. 

I know people may and probably are already judging me for reaching for the pill box and questioning maybe why I am not always a miserable mess, however I would first ask them to never judge a book by its cover as you never know what someone is going through or how deep their problems lie.  Somehow breaking your leg and clearly having it in plaster makes it easier for people to talk about a illness or injury, but with disorders such as anxiety, depression and other mentally debilitating conditions it is not so easy. You have those that care and ask how you are everyday obviously wanting to hear that you are doing well. But then there are others that don't quite understand just how difficult it is. These types of people will not understand and simply asked you to pull yourself together or to pick yourself up and get on with it. Phrases like this frustrate me no end as if it was just that easy I could simply wake up and be the same bubbly and happy lass as I used to be. 

You see depression makes even the smaller things in life appear so much more prominently in your mind and bigger than in reality they probably are. On it's own I could have probably dealt with any number of the issues I am facing and that some of the problems and frustrations that I am up against at the moment are simply as a result of not being 100% myself. Unlike the last times I have felt cloudy and sad I have always been able to put it down to just one thing, rather than multiple failings. My Dad went to war, my parents divorced, I got kicked out, My boyfriend left me, Blah, Blah, Blah. But what happens when it is not just one box that is ticked but all of the above? 

For me this time is more difficult as I feel the stakes are high at this time and there is so much to lose including my job, my lifestyle and even my dream home are all on the line. I cannot mess this up and just need something to get me by. I just need to take the edge off and make everything a little less sharper. Just something that can help me just get by and work through the muddle and mess of it all. Therapy last week was helpful and I feel as though we are finally getting to where I need to focus my attention on being. They make me feel quite queasy and nauseous most of the time but I have to try and to concentrate all my efforts on what and where it is needed. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx