Taking The Edge Off

Heyy, 

So this week I started med's. Yep that's right ladies and gentlemen I have finally opened up to the realisation that maybe medication is just what I need right now. Is it's easy for me to just come out and say it like that, no not really but then again how do you go about saying it or explaining it to someone that doesn't know or understand. 

In fact, I was quite shocked and almost borderline appalled that the doctor handed them out so easily. No silly questionnaire about how depressed I am or on a scale of one to ten of likeliness that I might top myself. Every other time I have been to the doctors (not that there have been many, gosh makes me sound like a right nut case, but there have been a few occasions) there has been a lengthy conversation about how I feel and how I have become to feel this way. Strangely I feel as though there should have been at least a little bit more push and pull. Then again maybe it was obvious and looking at my medical history it seemed the best thing for me. 

Opening this week's blog may have been quite blunt and to the point, but I must stress that I do not take decisions like these lightly and I have tried for the last few months (because the weeks of cloudiness have now turned into months) to not succumb to the need for medication in order to treat my mental health issues at the moment. Truth be told is that I never really wanted to be on them in the first place, but the fact of the matter is I need a fairly instant result in improving my mood and therefore my performance, both at and away from my desk. I know what I need. I need therapy and counselling and I need to talk about it. I know not to throw the word depression around like it is nothing. It is. 

I know people may and probably are already judging me for reaching for the pill box and questioning maybe why I am not always a miserable mess, however I would first ask them to never judge a book by its cover as you never know what someone is going through or how deep their problems lie.  Somehow breaking your leg and clearly having it in plaster makes it easier for people to talk about a illness or injury, but with disorders such as anxiety, depression and other mentally debilitating conditions it is not so easy. You have those that care and ask how you are everyday obviously wanting to hear that you are doing well. But then there are others that don't quite understand just how difficult it is. These types of people will not understand and simply asked you to pull yourself together or to pick yourself up and get on with it. Phrases like this frustrate me no end as if it was just that easy I could simply wake up and be the same bubbly and happy lass as I used to be. 

You see depression makes even the smaller things in life appear so much more prominently in your mind and bigger than in reality they probably are. On it's own I could have probably dealt with any number of the issues I am facing and that some of the problems and frustrations that I am up against at the moment are simply as a result of not being 100% myself. Unlike the last times I have felt cloudy and sad I have always been able to put it down to just one thing, rather than multiple failings. My Dad went to war, my parents divorced, I got kicked out, My boyfriend left me, Blah, Blah, Blah. But what happens when it is not just one box that is ticked but all of the above? 

For me this time is more difficult as I feel the stakes are high at this time and there is so much to lose including my job, my lifestyle and even my dream home are all on the line. I cannot mess this up and just need something to get me by. I just need to take the edge off and make everything a little less sharper. Just something that can help me just get by and work through the muddle and mess of it all. Therapy last week was helpful and I feel as though we are finally getting to where I need to focus my attention on being. They make me feel quite queasy and nauseous most of the time but I have to try and to concentrate all my efforts on what and where it is needed. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx