Taking The Edge Off

Heyy, 

So this week I started med's. Yep that's right ladies and gentlemen I have finally opened up to the realisation that maybe medication is just what I need right now. Is it's easy for me to just come out and say it like that, no not really but then again how do you go about saying it or explaining it to someone that doesn't know or understand. 

In fact, I was quite shocked and almost borderline appalled that the doctor handed them out so easily. No silly questionnaire about how depressed I am or on a scale of one to ten of likeliness that I might top myself. Every other time I have been to the doctors (not that there have been many, gosh makes me sound like a right nut case, but there have been a few occasions) there has been a lengthy conversation about how I feel and how I have become to feel this way. Strangely I feel as though there should have been at least a little bit more push and pull. Then again maybe it was obvious and looking at my medical history it seemed the best thing for me. 

Opening this week's blog may have been quite blunt and to the point, but I must stress that I do not take decisions like these lightly and I have tried for the last few months (because the weeks of cloudiness have now turned into months) to not succumb to the need for medication in order to treat my mental health issues at the moment. Truth be told is that I never really wanted to be on them in the first place, but the fact of the matter is I need a fairly instant result in improving my mood and therefore my performance, both at and away from my desk. I know what I need. I need therapy and counselling and I need to talk about it. I know not to throw the word depression around like it is nothing. It is. 

I know people may and probably are already judging me for reaching for the pill box and questioning maybe why I am not always a miserable mess, however I would first ask them to never judge a book by its cover as you never know what someone is going through or how deep their problems lie.  Somehow breaking your leg and clearly having it in plaster makes it easier for people to talk about a illness or injury, but with disorders such as anxiety, depression and other mentally debilitating conditions it is not so easy. You have those that care and ask how you are everyday obviously wanting to hear that you are doing well. But then there are others that don't quite understand just how difficult it is. These types of people will not understand and simply asked you to pull yourself together or to pick yourself up and get on with it. Phrases like this frustrate me no end as if it was just that easy I could simply wake up and be the same bubbly and happy lass as I used to be. 

You see depression makes even the smaller things in life appear so much more prominently in your mind and bigger than in reality they probably are. On it's own I could have probably dealt with any number of the issues I am facing and that some of the problems and frustrations that I am up against at the moment are simply as a result of not being 100% myself. Unlike the last times I have felt cloudy and sad I have always been able to put it down to just one thing, rather than multiple failings. My Dad went to war, my parents divorced, I got kicked out, My boyfriend left me, Blah, Blah, Blah. But what happens when it is not just one box that is ticked but all of the above? 

For me this time is more difficult as I feel the stakes are high at this time and there is so much to lose including my job, my lifestyle and even my dream home are all on the line. I cannot mess this up and just need something to get me by. I just need to take the edge off and make everything a little less sharper. Just something that can help me just get by and work through the muddle and mess of it all. Therapy last week was helpful and I feel as though we are finally getting to where I need to focus my attention on being. They make me feel quite queasy and nauseous most of the time but I have to try and to concentrate all my efforts on what and where it is needed. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

The Tapas Weekender!

Hello, 

Looking at the small pile of presents I had accumulated over the last few weeks, I didn't think it was enough. After all it was Mr. Warehouse's birthday and whilst he hadn't asked for much or hinted at many items on his wish list, I still struggled with the little amount I did get him. In the knowledge that I wanted him to be surprised on the morning of his Birthday, I quickly hopped on Amazon and ordered a rather expensive last-minute, next-day-delivery gift. Fully able to flip in all 4 directions it is well fitted for outdoors flying. Having a flight time of about 7 minutes it has a built in camera and comes with built in guards to protect them from damage. Not something on Mr. Warehouse's wish list but something I know he would enjoy. It arrived Wednesday Morning as planned and I looked forward to the little face that would be opening it the following morning. Quickly I wrapped it up as soon as I got home and prepared for the following mornings unveiling. 

Opening his presents the following morning, Mr. Warehouse was delighted with his gifts - A plastic Spiderman bowl (because he broke the ceramic one that he won in Newquay's Seaside Arcades), a leather wallet, phone case, and a 3D-VR Virtual Reality Headset, as well as the drone of course. I also had booked a table for dinner and both of us looked forward to something a bit different: A nine-course Argentinian Steak BBQ Meal. Mmm ... 

And following a long and drawn out day at work I was glad to be not cooking for once. I would say that the meal itself was lovely, juice lamb racks, succulent steaks and tender chicken graced our plates along with lashings of salad, olives and halloumi, all washed down with a nice glass of wine. I was surprised at the end of the meal when the women whom has been serving us brought out a plate of towering chocolate covered profitoroles and proceeded to sing "Happy Birthday" to us in the broken English she had. As sweet as it was, for me it is not the first place that I want to go for dinner, especially in Bedford, nevertheless, Mr. Warehouse seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself and the meal which ended a wonderful birthay for him and I to share together.
 
As Friday approached I began to look forward to the weekend and after last week trying to meet up with my Dad to talk things over after our argument a few months ago, we finally made a date and met for breakfast on Saturday morning at a nice hotel by the river in Bedford. I think that we covered alot of ground that needed covering and in all fairness whilst we agreed on many points there were also times where I felt he was out of order. Overall though I am really glad we have had it out and whilst we didn't cover everything in depth, we both know now what we expect and want from each other and our relationship as Father and Daughter. I am now looking forward to seeing real change that we will all be happy with. 

After Breakfast was done we left and Dad was kind enough to collect the Doggy and Mr. Warehouse (he had been working an overtime shift just to earn some extra money for my birthday gifts - Sweet isn't he!) and dropped us all into Marston Mortaine for another weekend with Momma Warehouse, the new boyfriend and the White-Chocolate-Eating Toy Poodle. After popping to the local shops for some provisions, Mr. Warehouse and I made our way round to his Brother's house to share in some drinks and a takeaway to celebrate him turning Twenty-Four! Enjoying the company we soon returned back to his family home where we were in bed and asleep by ten! 

Sunday was a busy day though so with little or no capability for a lay-in Mr. Warehouse and I were up and ready to get the bus back home where I would have just enough time to change my top before heading back out for a driving lesson. Getting better on each two-hour-sesh I still am ropey when it comes to junctions and controls, but I am really anxious to take my test, although I am anticipating that I will not pass first time. Finishing my lesson however I made my way back to my Hometown of Houghton Regis as I was invited to celebrate Miss Tweedle-Dumb's parents Twenty-Fifth wedding anniversary.  Although when I walked in at five-to-six both Miss Tweedle-Dumb and Miss Tweedle-Dee appear shocked that I had arrived not just on time but also very slightly early, and in comparison to some guests who hadn't even turned up for the surprise celebrations. Saying nothing we enjoyed each others company and I admired how a couple who had been through some up's and down's over the last quarter-century still came out strongly untied in holy matrimony. Enjoying the evening I was frustrated that I couldn't drive yet as usual it took me well over an hour to get back home, by the time of which Mr. Warehouse was already in bed. 

And so comes to an end another weekend. Upcoming is the August Bank Holiday in the UK so hopefully will be making the most of it and maybe even viewing some cars!


'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx