Forgetting and Falling!

Evening All, 

With the last few weeks and maybe a month or so looking and feeling brighter, I feel as though I have been lured into a false sense of security with my medication. Today and even maybe over the weekend where I stayed with Miss Tweedle-Dee whilst she house / puppy sat for her brother, I haven't been feeling sadder than usual and in a generally low mood. Several times today during what was a trying day at work (probably made worse by my lack of concentration and focus), I had noticed that I was on the brink of tears and to think that I had only missed two days worth of tablets. I could definitely tell that my focus and concentration had shifted at my desk not to anything in particular but just simply off the task in hand. I know I need to block everything out as best I can and try harder with what matters. Previously I had tried to muddle through the cloudiness, not to not succumbing to the need for medication in order to treat my mental health issues but truth be told is that I still need them as much today as I did weeks ago. 

This evening I also had a doctor's appointment in order to discuss my ongoing medication and going forward with my diagnosis. Whilst the medicine I am on made me feel queasy and nauseous in the beginning, that has now subsided and I am now left feeling quite positive and happy in myself and my life generally. Well that was until I forgot to take my meds yesterday and today. I didn't plan to it was just a simple fact of forgetting to take them and being outside of a normal routine. 

I spoke with the doctor and she confirmed that it would not be wise to stop medication and advised that in most circumstances medication is taken for a minimum of six-months, however with everything still quite unstable in my life in terms of my housing situation as well as my issues with family members, by the time the six-month anniversary comes around in October I probably will not be cured. I know that this is something I need to continue in order to build up it's effect, regardless of how I feel much better. I know that coupled with counselling and therapy I will get better it will just maybe take a little bit longer. Speaking of which, the doctor had advised to continue also with counselling sessions and therapy as it had temporarily been put on hold as I had finished my previous sessions and now awaiting a appointment where I can be seen through the NHS. 

After months of being in a bit of a whirlwind of emotions and life events, I am hoping that it is coming to an end, although I know deep down it is not. With Mr and Mrs Tweedle-Dee's big move to America coming soon in the first week of September and hopefully our house move before then I can only imagine that things will probably get worse not better. I know that this is a happy time where we should be excited about finally getting a home of our own and looking forward to putting our own stamp on the place. With the house seemingly moving along nicely and with the solicitors now finishing up their searches and the surveyor from the Mortgage Lender going in today,, I am feeling more positive than ever. There is no move date as yet so don't grab your red cups and vodka for the house party just yet. Following the survey on the house today to make sure that the house is worth the amount of money we are borrowing against it, hopefully we should hear back in the next couple of days with our mortgage offer and fingers crossed a date for our completion and exchange. I am almost certain after talking to different people at work and through other groups of friends that the process will speed along and hopefully still be set to move in before Mr and Mrs Tweedle-Dee depart. 

Whilst I am looking forward to sending my best friend off to a whole new world and life in sunny L.A, but sometimes I just feel sad about it all. I think it finally hit me (again) this weekend that I be loosing an incredible friendship with Mrs Tweedle-Dumb and whilst I have some amazing people around me, in particular Miss Tweedle-Dee, Miss Hackney and Miss SugarCoat nothing will ever replace my first ever best friend. I feel ashamed and selfish when I think about Mrs Tweedle-Dumb moving away with her new hubby, partly because I know the fun that we will all have trying to Skype and FaceTime each other (and not to forget the incredible holibobs), but more so because I would not have given a flying fuck about who was left behind or what they were feeling - I would have been long gone! And I want her to do the same because we will be OK back here because sitting on the reclining sofa across from Miss Tweedle-Dee she and I both knew how hard it might be but that despite it all our friendship would be OK. She knows better than anyone I think that sometimes its not even saying anything at all its just sitting and being there to be extra company other than your own thoughts. Sometimes that is just enough. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Carried For A Moment, Loved For A Lifetime!

Hiya!

The weekend was certainly going well and started back on Friday evening when I was told by my Personal Trainer that I have exceeded all expectations and lost a further twelve-centimeters off my waist this week, along with many more inches lost elsewhere. Over the moon with the results of the last few weeks hard work I got back into my little Orange car and called someone who I knew would be glad to hear from me. Dominos! Yes I admit I fell off the wagon slightly and ordered pizza for Mr. Warehouse and I, collecting it as I drove home in glee. 

Saturday morning I woke early to kindly take Mr. Warehouse in for his early morning shift working overtime. Aren't I such a nice girlfriend! But despite my dawn rise, I still came home and fell right back into bed slumbering until mid-morning. Meeting my Nanny Pumpkin in the horrid weather for a spot of lunch and a walk round some Museum's in Bedford we talked about all sorts as we normally would, touching upon how my poorly grandfather was and how she is yet to become a great-grandma. 

Fast forward a few hours and I was out of the cold and wet, instead sat round the glass coffee table, enjoying a bottle of wine and laughing along at some NSFW material games I got for Christmas. I was certainly enjoying some much deserved Girlie time with my besties, Miss Tweedle-Dee and Miss Tweedle-Dumb who was up from Basingstoke for the weekend. The luxury this time was that Miss Tweedle-Dee's Brother and family were away for the weekend and as such had a Puppy to look after. A bonus in itself you may think, and rightfully so it would be ... Had it not been for the steaming Hot Tub outside! After a dip we came back inside to warm up and dry off, settling down to watch some YouTubers and Vloggers I had never heard of. Then in the fits of giggles I recognized a familiar face. It was none other that an old school friend of mine, Lorraine Mulrooney. Her Mousey complexion and timid voice had not changed since our classroom days and I was pleased to hear that she was doing well. Or not as the case may seem. 

Watching a Video uploaded only recently it started with tears and in it was captioned something about an update on life so far, or something like that. I was devastated  to hear that despite all the wonderful things that has happened in her life since our last encounter - Meeting a wonderful guy it seems, having a little girl and starting what appears to be a successful YouTube channel things were not good. Listening to the heartbreak as she described in emotional detail the reasoning for the tears I wondered how much pain one person can endure. It was a video that sadly described the terrible loss that miscarriage brings to not only the women carrying the child but also the whole family. Not one or even two but five lost babies this women had experienced, all of them with little or no explanation. 

In the UK miscarriage is the most common complication with any pregnancy with an estimated quarter-of-a-million babies and fetuses lost each year. Medical studies show that between fifteen and twenty percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage in the first twelve weeks. But even when you are past the all important first and even second trimester, you are still not out of the woods just yet. One in every two-hundred babies born in the UK are stillborn and figures state that it is fifteen times more common that cot death. And yet no-one knows a definitive answer as to why this keeps happening to would-be parents up and down the UK. 

I cannot even begin to understand or even imagine what a women must go through to see those little lines on a pregnancy test to all of a sudden it being snatched away from you. All the thoughts and feelings you had. All the dreams and hopes for the future. What they would look like, what they would be like. All gone. You will never find out if they had their Daddies nose or even if they inherited your mothers stubbornness. Forever guessing what they would be like as a teenager and wondering what sort of person they will grow into. All of this disappearing almost as if it never existed. I can't fathom what it would take to go through the loss of a pregnancy and all it brings let alone having to bring a sleeping bairn into the world so cruel enough to not let you meet. 

I have yet to experience anything close to motherhood and pray that when I finally get to the point in my life where children would be nice that its journey to my arms is safe and hope that I never have to experience what some amazing women in my life as well as old school pals have had to ensure. But one thing stands out in all these women and that is there incredible ability to sweep it under the carpet, hiding it from all to see. Ladies it is your grief and you should not be ashamed or shy of it. Don't hide it, bring it out into the open and lets talk about your beautiful gift, stolen too soon. Lets cry and hug it out because whilst you will never "get over it" as some people might encourage you to do, life will adjust accordingly and because we are strong together and we will heal, little by little and piece by piece. 

Anyone who is suffering right now and feels like they want to chat, either to me (not that I may be very much help of course) or to a professional, please feel free to speak out and try some of the wonderful organisations who specialize in Miscarriage, Stillborn and lost pregnancies such as Sands, The Miscarriage Association and Tommy's. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx