Let the wedding bells ring out

 Hello Hello,  

Snow defrosted and all snowmen melted (although I think we now have to refer to them and "snow people" just in case someone gets offended, commonly known rather ironically as a snow-flake) our lives in lockdown returned to normal - Whatever the fuck that is anymore. By mid-week, it was all but a long lost daydream and with our evening occupied with plans for the first time in months, I was excited. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I was actually going to be talking wedding shit. Not "Oooh I hope it happens this year" or "Oh no COVID-safe wedding" blah blah blah. No. Certifiably exciting wedding shit.

After weeks of uncertainty and unknowing, anxious days of thinking non-stop about how our wedding might look. Will it go ahead, won't it go ahead? What are the restrictions, will we have to wear facemasks and is there any point in having all the expense? If it does go ahead how many people will we be allowed, will it be enough and who are the magic few? So many questions whirling around in my head it is no wonder I hadn't much sleep since Christmas. Because whilst everyone means well after the big man came down our chimney (socially distanced of course) the next question on everyone's lips was wedding, wedding, wedding.

As much as I knew that all our friends and family meant well by asking and only trying to maybe suck some happiness and excitement for finally a day where we could all be together again, I loathed the conversations and all that they entailed. That was until I had an honest and frank conversation with firstly my Matron of Honour - Mrs Tweedle-Dumb, and thereafter spurred on by our conversation (and the lure of a kebab) Mr Warehouse. We sat down on a Friday night to discuss and I had come up with several ideas such as a Humanist Ceremony (basically a non-religious and non-legally-binding ceremony focussing on each other as opposed to the holy one) switching up the venues to something smaller and less costly to accommodate the possibly smaller guest numbers and even the "P" word again.

As before, Mr Warehouse reassured me, if not heavily-handed due to the heated discussion (not helped by the chilli sauce laden lamb pitta). He made me more confident and happy that things are too uncertain at this moment in time to be making any rash decisions when no one knows what is happening next week let alone in four-months time. And so we took the decision that after touching on a few of the above ideas we would take them into consideration, add a pinch of salt and put it on the back burner until Easter when Government hopes to start opening life back up. Today the BBC confirms that the death toll is fading fast with only 406 being recorded today (Monday 01 February 2021), down just under a hundred on last Monday's figure. With the downturn in figures for people becoming infected as well as dying from the disease seems to suggest that the vaccines are working. What's even better news is that should the news be believed, the UK is not only on target but smashing the figures and expects that not only would we have vaccinated the top four categories of vulnerable people by mid-February, but that it is likely that this could be as soon as next week.

With all this in mind and focussing heavily the last few weeks since the kebab-convo, I have become engrossed in positivity and only accept positive vibes and attitudes. All Negative Nelly's and Grumple-Grumps need not apply. And so getting back to the beginning of this blog, our evening occupiedo. Armed with mountains of information from blogs, podcasts, news and more (Mainly from Guide For Brides and their weekly updates from the governments wedding taskforce so a big shout out to them for igniting such a firey intensity surrounding wedding planning again) Mr Warehouse and I scrabbled around for the laptop lead and the best lighting for our meet with the Reverand.

Much talking of flowers, hymns, singing (why do I hear Will Ferrell in the voice of "Elf" saying singing - Man I love that film) and readings were enough to keep me going. I had hoped Mr Warehouse would get just as excited as I was, maybe rubbing off on him a little, but I think a hard day in the pharmaceuticals industry with many more to come and the work-life causing mounting stress and frustration didn't help him to unwind or giddy about anything. And so June 12th here we come. Ideally with everyone. Even better with my Matron of Honour to be allowed to travel here from LA without visa restrictions or our nephew to wave at us from the crowded faces. The icing on the cake if we can have a dance and disco or cuddle - OMG! Dare I get too ecstatic? In any which way on the 12th of June, it will be me and Mr Warehouse and our Reverand standing up there, who else joins us along the way - Who knows?!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou x

Finding The One

Hello, 

Sitting in my car I could hardly believe my luck. It was so beautiful, more than I remember. So sparkly and so shiny. Finally, peace and harmony were restored. 

You are probably wondering what all the fuss was and to an extent is all about. Well following the meltdown of last week's blog post detailing the absolute regret of swapping out my OG engagement ring for a new model, I spent hours hunting high and low for this damned ring. The Revere 9-carat White Gold Cubic Zirconia Oval Halo engagement ring was beautiful, classic and elegant. I should have really listened to the doubt inside my head at the time as I wrote in my blog "Rings and Tings" that week I ask myself if this new ring will have all the same significance and special feels as the OG. I thought so and yet several months down the line I can promise you that it did not. 

Silly old me thinking "of course it will look a little odd in photos and I will have to explain every time someone asks what happened to my old engagement ring, but this one is soooo sparkly and soooo beautiful it won't be hard for them to see why I fell in love with it." Oh how wrong I was. Heartbreakingly, I finally found that Argos have stopped selling it - Literally as of January 2020! 

I left my blog last week sad, for alas Revere 9-carat White Gold Cubic Zirconia Oval Halo Ring was the one and I was hasty to let you go for now I regret my decision. In the hours that followed I continued my search online for ex-models or ex-stock items, I only hoped I can find you item 724/8119! Searching the internet high and low, going into forums and eBay listings galore desperate to find it again, growing more and more needier as I trawled through pictures and listings and description's I finally found a handful that looked similar. Not 'The One' though. Amazon.com described it as a 10k Solid White Gold Oval Shape 1.0ct Halo Engagement Ring. At £140.00 it wasn't cheap and came in at more expensive than the OG and the "New and Improved" model. 

The listing went on, stating that the classic and timeless halo engagement ring was "crafted in your choice of solid 10k white or yellow gold. Stamped with authenticity and a promise of exceptional quality, this versatile design combines sophistication and effortless style". Vacation safe (whatever that means?!), the affordable alternative to a diamond engagement ring exudes grace and is a quintessential addition to a fine jewellery collection. 
Peace of mind is given when the shop states that "all jewellery undergo rigorous quality control processes to ensure that customers receive a durable and long-lasting product". 

Parade of Jewels continues to sell the product as "something that has been built to withstand the test of time with a premium, sturdy shank and a secure prong-set cuddling AAA quality Cubic Zirconia with fire and sparkle like no other". The Halo Engagement Ring collection including this ring is described as an elegant jewellery piece and the perfect gift for weddings and engagements or just to say "I love you". The reviews were good too, customers admiring the quality and style with one of them even stating that the ring was "Absolutely beautiful. Looks like the real deal." Although I couldn't pin everything on reviews as a 5/5 for only six people wasn't everything. 

All things aside, I double and triple-checked with the Argos Chatbots, only to be told that nope there was no hope. Item 724/8119, the stunning Revere 9-carat White Gold Cubic Zirconia Oval Halo Ring did not exist anywhere. And so I went to bed, defeated and flat. I would have to settle for I was too late. The following morning I continued my search, although kept coming back to the Amazon Special. I succumbed to the fact that if I wanted it I would have to order from the American eCommerce site. But maybe, just maybe my local store might have something? 

Heading out on my lunch break I whizzed on over to Argos at the Kempston Interchange, praying against all hopes that I would be in luck and, knowing it was unlikely, I walked into the store. Explaining the situation to the young women behind the sparkling glass desks, she gave me a kind smile and went into the back. She came out with a box and I thought that this couldn't be. Could it? Opening the box was like the first time all over again, right there in that gravelly car lot in Priory Country Park. 
"What size is it?" I asked anxiously awaiting a reply. Slipping it on I fell in love all over again. It fitted like a glove, perfect and dainty as I remembered. I could have cried if it weren't for being surrounded by whingey half-term kids and their exhausted and frustrated parents. Nearly biting the sales assistants hands-off I said I'll take it. And so I paid and left, costing me less this time around than it did when Mr Warehouse and I originally bought it all those many moons ago. 

Truth be told as I write to you now, distracted with the sparkles, I could need to have it resized still should I lose any more weight. I shan't at the moment, just simply because I am only a mere pound away from losing my first stone, and 1.5lbs from seeing a new stone-zone. Can hardly remember the last time I was in the 17-Stone range?! Nevertheless, I am overjoyed with the find and hopefully, the good winnings can continue tomorrow as I weigh-in!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

And So The Healing Begins

Heyy, 

So last Tuesday was my birthday and whilst I did not mention this in last week's blog post, I thought that I would mention it now! Happy Birthday to me! It is always awkward when you have a birthday in the middle of the week. Everyone is working or have other commitments and dinner out was an expensive luxury to do twice. Instead I settled for my Birthday Eve when Mr. Warehouse and Miss Tweedle-Dee joined me to indulge in my favourite thing eating out and sushi. And although my best friend and boyfriend were not fully enjoying themselves - Miss Tweedle-Dee felt poorly and Mr. Warehouse was still unsure on the concept of raw fish - But I certainly wasn't and gorged on many dishes of salmon and sticky rice. 

Afterwards Mr. Warehouse, Miss Tweedle-Dee and I took an after dinner stroll and I was giving my birthday present from my bestie. Opening the different envelope they all contained information about a wonderful idea and something that was just otherworldly. With the run-up to Halloween coming quickly I am so excited for Autumn and Spookies to come, so with all of this in mind Miss Tweedle-Dee paid for us to both encounter the paranormal inside one of Britain's Most Haunted prisons - HMP Gloucester. 

The website states that HMP Gloucester has a long and chilling history with many of the executed criminals remain buried in the grounds of the prison. Some of the most infamous serial killers have been incarcerated within the walls of Gloucester Prison. The prison formally closed on 31 March 2013 but the suffering and torment is deeply etched within the fabric of this foreboding location. Originally built as the County Gaol in 1700s at a cost of £34,000 with a capacity of 350 prisoners each in separate cells, there were also separate cells for debtors of both sexes.Between 1792 and 1864 at least 102 executions took place using the considered more humane 'New Drop' style gallows with many of the executed being buried in unmarked graves where they still remain today. Join the team as we spend the night at the terrifying HMP Gloucester with the tormented souls that remain.

Miss Tweedle-Dee and I will start our overnight ghost hunt at HMP Gloucester in the afternoon of Saturday 20th October 2018 when my Besitie and I will drive, in her new car, down to Gloucestershire and check into the hotel to try and get some rest. Our experience will start at 9pm that night and will be sure to really test our nerve. An experience that we are sure will not forget and with suffering torment and death deeply etched into the very fabric of this imposing prison we may meet more than just the guide. Gloucester Prison was home to the notorious serial killer Fred West so during the night we might be in contact with him and all those who remain as Miss Tweedle-Dee and I join in carrying out seances, vigils and experiments in the most active areas of the imposing location. At 3am all is well as Miss Tweedle-Dee and I will return to the hotel, hopefully not possessed or contaminated by demonic spirits to sleep and the following day maybe some nice relaxing shopping ... Or maybe a trip to Church?!

One present that I did not expect to receive was an email in my inbox from a charitable organisation in the heart of Bedford called the Amicus Trust. In the email they detailed about how I had reached out to someone that could help me with my mental state and said that they were able to give me counselling sessions in order to work through my problems as quickly as possible so that life can get back on track. I am still on my medication but I  now feel quite pressured from loved ones to get things sorted and frankly it is becoming a little too much to bear. I know that people mean well and that in reality I am of the knowledge that I need to sort out these issues but first and foremost, I need to sort myself out.Trust me when I say that it is simply a long story that I may share with you another time.

Leaving the house with plenty of time on Friday morning just in case parking was a bitch, I was anxious as I always am at my first meeting with my current therapist. I found a parking space straight away and with that proceeded to scroll through my social media pages whilst I waited for an appropriate time when I would be able to walk through the doors without being too early. Locking my car and walking past many of the unscrupulous faces I saw on that Friday morning I realised that the the exact location of my therapy Sessions were actually in the heart of Bedford and area which is renowned for its poor reputation and well known for being a bad side of town. But with this in mind I thought that there would be no better place to have a charity or organisation such as the Amicus Trust.

Meeting the gentleman that I had been emailing for the last fortnight or so was interesting to say the least. He was extremely friendly and easy to get to know. Immediately I was relaxed and at ease with his company He offered me a cup of coffee which was nice as it was the morning and I have not eaten yet but it also helped in breaking the ice in what would otherwise be a rather emotionally fuelled situation. Sitting down at a large wooden table, the room was dimly lit and despite the large window next to the table being hidden by the blinds I could still hear the busy street outside. My Therapist was an larger framed gentleman maybe in his late fifties with long salt and pepper curly hair tied back in a ponytail. He wore a dusky purple corduroy shirt straight out of the 70s or 80s and with the skin tags littering his eyes and wrinkly face I knew that I can trust him. 

And so we began unravelling my tale. It is a complex and complicated one and something in which we only got to the bottom of this evening, however after the last two sessions I can safely say that things can be fixed and everything can be resolved one way or another. There are certainly a lot of issues that we need to work through and get to the bottom of but he assures me that it can all be mended. Its funny, walking out of my therapy session tonight has made me feel more positive and hopeful than I think I have felt in the last few months about my mental health and I am sure that I will work through it to get back to me again. It will be long and hard and difficult, but I'm ready!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Denying The Inevitable

Hello, 

As the evening set in and the night took over the sky and shrouded us in darkness I knew it would soon be time. Last weekend when Mrs Tweedle-Dumb's parents threw a goodbye BBQ in her honor I woke up that morning not wanting to get out of bed and only wanting to curl up under my duvet, pretending as I did on the morning of my grandfather's funeral that this day did not exist. Maybe if I fell back to sleep and pretended that this all wasn't happening today then maybe I could keep the reality at bay. Ahh denial is a wonderful thing. In Great British style the bank holiday weekend was a bit of a washout, blowing away the gazebos and generally wreaking havoc on the garden. Miss Tweedle-Dee, Mrs Tweedle-Dumb and I had decided that it would be best if we spent some more quality time together just the three of us and so following a very much enjoyed sushi date together on bank holiday Monday Miss Tweedle-Dee and I endured our weeks at work and looked forward to getting up early and seeing Mrs Tweedle-Dumb for what would genuinely be the very last time. 

Arriving at a slightly later time than we had planned, me and my Tweedles sat on the front porch of Mr Tweedle-Dumb's parents home in the posh Suburbs of Basingstoke, smoking menthols and sipping on Starbucks in the sunshine. I couldn't think of any better way to start a Sunday, even if it was nearly midday. Thoughts soon turned to what we would be doing in our final few hours together, and it just so happened that we were doing the usual - Shopping excursion to the Anbill (otherwise known locally as the Festival Place Shopping Centre) was our normal go to when visiting our friend in Basingstoke and why should this time be any different. We all made jokes about the fact we could not visit Mrs Tweedle-Dumb in Basingstoke without having a trip to the Anbill. Truth be told I think we all really enjoyed going back to the roots of our friendship and simply shopping till we find a restaurant to drop into. And what made this day better was the fact that in their haste to emigrate, Mr & Mrs Tweedle-Dumb and maybe forgotten a little bit that my birthday was coming up soon, and so today was also when I would get to pick out my birthday present. 

Giddy with excitement at all the possibilities that could be we headed to the Anbill - Shopping, laughing and chatting all the way only stopping stopping for the odd cigarette and eventually ending up outside Wagamama, feasting on steamed buns and gyoza! It was starting to get dusky and I realised that time was slowly passing off by. Sat on a bench, denying the inevitable, I looked at the bestest friends I think I could have ever wished for. The last few months have been difficult to say the least, and yet, as normal, Miss Tweedle-Dee and Mrs Tweedle-Dumb have been through it all with me. They always make me feel better, giggling about our inside jokes no one else got, eating fat and naughty food and indulging in the worst kind of sinful behaviour! Unlike all the other times we kidded ourselves that this would be the last time - This really would be the last time! 

In less than a few days Mrs Tweedle-Dumb would be jetting off to start the adventure of a lifetime with her new husband, settling down on the Sunshine Coast. I still feel ashamed and guilty for selfishly thinking that I wish it was me packing my bags and fucking off, but also partly because I would not have stuck around to see who was left behind or what they were feeling - I would have been long gone. Truth be told, I want her to do the same. Miss Tweedle-Dee and I will be OK back here because we have each other and the best times ever together as a threesome can still continue over Skype or FaceTime. 

Saying goodbye for the last time was probably the most difficult things that I have done in quite some time. I know that Mr & Mrs Tweedle-Dumb will have an amazing time and make an incredible life for themselves and if, for whatever reason, nothing goes to plan and it all doesn't work out Miss Tweedle-Dee and I will be there to catch our best friend, pick her up and dust her off. Hugging it out and seeing your best friends cry their heart out was the worst thing in the entire universe because there is nothing that you or anyone else can do to make it better. Driving away, tears filled my eyes and as one of the first ever albums we obsessed over as a trio started to play through the stereo. And all the way home we played the album "Songs About Jane" by Maroon 5, belting out the hits from our youth and letting the emotions, happy, sad, everything wash over us as we tanked it down the M25. 

Honestly that album. I promise you, if you ever do anything, go and listen to that Album - It'll change your life! Hands down categorically the best album that is for any type of emotion! Break-up? Track 4: She Will Be Loved. Love Dilemma? Track 2: This Love. Guilty? Track 5: Tangled. Falling in Love? Track 8: Sunday Morning. Best friend emigrating? Track 12: Sweetest Goodbye (well if it wasn't about sexing after a break-up) 

I mean yeah sure we are a bit weird in our own special way and mine, Miss Tweedle-Dee & Mrs Tweedle-Dumb's humour is completely our own, but somehow we just get each other. For the simple fact that we could easily sit in silence, not saying a single thing to one another and yet still feel at peace and without judgement. Our years of being each others go-to for any advice, problem, issue or dilemma and sometimes not even having to utter a single word to one another just a look to crack out a smile or even better a laugh. All of it made that moment, the moment that we said goodbye one last time all the more harder to bear. And so ... 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Forgetting and Falling!

Evening All, 

With the last few weeks and maybe a month or so looking and feeling brighter, I feel as though I have been lured into a false sense of security with my medication. Today and even maybe over the weekend where I stayed with Miss Tweedle-Dee whilst she house / puppy sat for her brother, I haven't been feeling sadder than usual and in a generally low mood. Several times today during what was a trying day at work (probably made worse by my lack of concentration and focus), I had noticed that I was on the brink of tears and to think that I had only missed two days worth of tablets. I could definitely tell that my focus and concentration had shifted at my desk not to anything in particular but just simply off the task in hand. I know I need to block everything out as best I can and try harder with what matters. Previously I had tried to muddle through the cloudiness, not to not succumbing to the need for medication in order to treat my mental health issues but truth be told is that I still need them as much today as I did weeks ago. 

This evening I also had a doctor's appointment in order to discuss my ongoing medication and going forward with my diagnosis. Whilst the medicine I am on made me feel queasy and nauseous in the beginning, that has now subsided and I am now left feeling quite positive and happy in myself and my life generally. Well that was until I forgot to take my meds yesterday and today. I didn't plan to it was just a simple fact of forgetting to take them and being outside of a normal routine. 

I spoke with the doctor and she confirmed that it would not be wise to stop medication and advised that in most circumstances medication is taken for a minimum of six-months, however with everything still quite unstable in my life in terms of my housing situation as well as my issues with family members, by the time the six-month anniversary comes around in October I probably will not be cured. I know that this is something I need to continue in order to build up it's effect, regardless of how I feel much better. I know that coupled with counselling and therapy I will get better it will just maybe take a little bit longer. Speaking of which, the doctor had advised to continue also with counselling sessions and therapy as it had temporarily been put on hold as I had finished my previous sessions and now awaiting a appointment where I can be seen through the NHS. 

After months of being in a bit of a whirlwind of emotions and life events, I am hoping that it is coming to an end, although I know deep down it is not. With Mr and Mrs Tweedle-Dee's big move to America coming soon in the first week of September and hopefully our house move before then I can only imagine that things will probably get worse not better. I know that this is a happy time where we should be excited about finally getting a home of our own and looking forward to putting our own stamp on the place. With the house seemingly moving along nicely and with the solicitors now finishing up their searches and the surveyor from the Mortgage Lender going in today,, I am feeling more positive than ever. There is no move date as yet so don't grab your red cups and vodka for the house party just yet. Following the survey on the house today to make sure that the house is worth the amount of money we are borrowing against it, hopefully we should hear back in the next couple of days with our mortgage offer and fingers crossed a date for our completion and exchange. I am almost certain after talking to different people at work and through other groups of friends that the process will speed along and hopefully still be set to move in before Mr and Mrs Tweedle-Dee depart. 

Whilst I am looking forward to sending my best friend off to a whole new world and life in sunny L.A, but sometimes I just feel sad about it all. I think it finally hit me (again) this weekend that I be loosing an incredible friendship with Mrs Tweedle-Dumb and whilst I have some amazing people around me, in particular Miss Tweedle-Dee, Miss Hackney and Miss SugarCoat nothing will ever replace my first ever best friend. I feel ashamed and selfish when I think about Mrs Tweedle-Dumb moving away with her new hubby, partly because I know the fun that we will all have trying to Skype and FaceTime each other (and not to forget the incredible holibobs), but more so because I would not have given a flying fuck about who was left behind or what they were feeling - I would have been long gone! And I want her to do the same because we will be OK back here because sitting on the reclining sofa across from Miss Tweedle-Dee she and I both knew how hard it might be but that despite it all our friendship would be OK. She knows better than anyone I think that sometimes its not even saying anything at all its just sitting and being there to be extra company other than your own thoughts. Sometimes that is just enough. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Difficult Roads Often Lead To Beautiful Destinations

Suup, 

I never thought that I would have festival blues like I did at Reading Festival back in 2014, oh boy do I have a big come down from the glitter and frolics of a festival atmosphere. Truth be told I didn't think that I would have enjoyed myself or looked forward to the Bedford River Festival as much as I did. Maybe it was the drib's and drabs of family and friends throughout the weekends festivities that made it as good as it was, or maybe it was just simply down to the fact that I felt much better than I have done in the last few months. I suppose that the reality is that next time the Bedford River Festival comes around we will be living in our new home and who knows what life might be like then. although I am sure that there will still be a place for some glitter and denim shorts to enjoy the drumming music, incredible smelling food and host of activities and things to do and see. 

With the last few months being a bit of a whirlwind in terms of emotions and life events, I decided a couple of weeks ago that I would book a few days off at the end of the month after payday in order to have a little bit of me time for rest and recuperation. Suggested by several of my friends including Miss Hackney and Miss Sugarcoat who I have met up with a few times over the last couple of weeks, I think a few days to relax and take time for myself will be beneficial and can only do me some good. I have a few things planned such as some nice lye-in's and watching telly. On Wednesday I will be getting my hair done which maybe doesn't seem like such a big deal but for me a relaxing afternoon in the hairdressers chair is just what I need. Maybe afterwards I might take a trip over to one of the retail outlets a few miles out of town in order for some retail therapy and a treat or two.

Thursday's plans will consist of going to my usual counselling sessions and therapy, however this week will be the first of the NHS Treatments. In the afternoon I also have a doctor's appointment in order to discuss my ongoing medication and going forward with my diagnosis. Whilst the medicine I am on has finally stopped making me feel queasy and nauseous, I haven't stopped taking them as I know that this is something I need to continue in order to build up it's effect, regardless of how I feel much better and more back to normal. I know that coupled with counselling and therapy I will get better it will just maybe take a little bit longer. 

Friday is what I am really looking forward to as I will be accompanying Mr Warehouse to a spa in London. Courtesy in part to Nanny Pumpkin's Christmas present to Mr Warehouse and I we will be enjoying a gorgeous fruit platter as well as some relaxing treatments. I think just simply having some time just for us will be nice as I think life just takes over and before you know it it has been weeks since you have spent time with each other. 

I know after spending Sunday afternoon in the sunshine with two of my favourite people, Nanny Pumpkin and Mr Warehouse, I realise the heartbreaking reality that whilst my Grandma is doing her own thing and thoroughly enjoying life skipping off here, there and everywhere, I know in reality by the amount of times my grandfather was mentioned that she does miss him. Listening to Miss Hackney and Miss Sugarcoat their own grandparents and how their lives have been affected since one of them had passed away made me want to spend time, and quality time at that with Mr Warehouse whilst we have the chance to do so before mortgages and family life takes over. 

This is a happy time where we should be excited about finally getting a home of our own and looking forward to putting our own stamp on the place, although I think Mr Warehouse would agree with me when we both say that life has not been the easiest for us at the moment. It has been a poisonous melting pot of complicated issues including my mental health, Mr. Warehouse's skin condition and his own health worries all mixed together with a good helping of work issues and family problems, sprinkled with the stress of buying a house and preparing to move home. When the Devil on my shoulder tells me that it is going to be very expensive and makes me question as to whether Mr Warehouse and I can afford it, I must remember all of the other times that I thought or wondered how I would ever afford what I wanted in life. I am sure that I will look back a year from now and wonder as to what exactly I spent my money on. 

It terrifies me to think that I will have to depend on someone else both financially and in the general upkeep and running of the house in Mr Warehouse. To say that things have been tense or highly strung has been a understatement and I would say Mr Warehouse and I have argued more than we have ever in the last few months than we ever have in the last three and a half years we have been dating. But for all the snippy comments or playful bickering that happens between us I cannot fault Mr Warehouse for his support and love over the last few months, holding me up high when I was down in my lowest points and making me feel so loved and wanted it's unreal. I don't think that there is literally anything that his arms couldn't cuddle away and I know that whatever life throws at us I will be able to deal with it just as long as I have him by my side, wiping away the tears and making things better for as long as we have ... 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Glitter Makes Everything Better (Unless Its Gary)

Heyy everyone, 

Donning some glitter and denim shorts I was looking forward to the hotly anticipated Bedford River Festival this weekend and with the music drumming, food smelling incredible and host of friendly and familiar faces along the way, this weekends antics have certainly put a smile on my face. Following what has been a very difficult and stressful few months for me, I honestly feel the best that I think I have felt in a very long time. Now whether this is because my work life is a lot better or maybe it's the medication for my depression that has kicked in, I am just glad to say that life seems to be getting brighter again. I suppose when I really try and put my finger on it, my improvement in mood comes down to the fact that nothing major has really happened to improved it apart from my medication. 

Whilst the medicine I am on has finally stopped making me feel queasy and nauseous (something that only ever seem to happen in the morning before lunch which made me paranoid that I may be pregnant) I know it would be silly for me to simply stop taking them all together as I know that this is something I need to continue in order to build up it's effect, coupled with counselling and therapy of course. I just needed something - anything- to take the edge off and make it all seem a little less sharper. I have sometimes questioned as to whether I am suffering a placebo effect from just simply popping some pills every morning along with a Hayfever tablet, but as some of you may know I had tried to muddle through the cloudiness and not succumb to the need for medication for some time. I know that therapy and counselling is helping make a difference and battling my demons, but I also need to look forward and celebrate my future. 

This is a time where I should be happy and excited about finally getting the home I have always dreamt of, well at least in part. With the house seemingly moving along nicely and with the solicitors now instructed and doing their thing with searches and the likes, I am feeling more positive than ever. There is no move date as yet so don't grab your red cups and vodka for the house party just yet. I am almost certain after talking to different people at work and through other groups of friends that the process will quicken pace and before I know it the contract will be with us ready to sign on the dotted line. 

Does it makes me nervous about getting a house? Yes, of course it does! However I have to put everything into perspective and when the Devil on my shoulder tells me that it is going to be very expensive and makes me question as to whether Mr Warehouse and I can afford it, I must remember all of the other times that I thought or wondered how I would ever afford what I wanted in life. I look back even now over the last couple of years before I had Vivienne (my car) and I question as to what exactly I spent my money on as I didn't have much to show for it. Before I moved into my bachelor pad upstairs in the block that I currently reside, I lived in a studio type room within a house of multiple occupancy and even back then when I was on pretty much minimum wage, jumping from job to job, I question what I spent my cash on. 

It terrifies me to think that I will yet again have to depend on someone else and with that statement I mean that I will not be able to afford the house by myself should anything go wrong and therefore will rely on Mr Warehouse and his input both financially and in running the place. Now I know that for many of you who are already married or cohabiting that this may not seem like such a big deal, but I don't know, maybe this is a problem for me because I have been let down many times by other people, both in past romantic relationships as well as within my close family network. My therapist has said that abandonment is a major part of my life and that many things can trigger this rejection so making sure that someone doesn't get too close or that I don't depend on anyone apart from me is simply my way of coping and dealing with never feeling cast aside, unwanted or unloved ever again. I think my one biggest fears going into the whole experience of buying a home with someone I am not married to is that I know there is no legal standing when it comes to our separation, regardless when or even if it happens. Mind you, I suppose that being married doesn't necessarily mean that someone will not get up and just leave you either. 

I have to remember that this is a happy time in my life and that one day I will explain to my own children about how I bought my first home at the ripe old age of twenty-six. I suppose there isn't many of my friend circle, if any at all, that have been able to get onto the property ladder without any financial help from someone, family or otherwise. I am seriously glad to be feeling even a little bit more back to normal and I am ever so grateful for the amount of support and love I have had over the last few months, fingers crossed it won't be long before I can once again walk in the sunshine and Sparkle as I did before. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Friends Are Medicine for the Soul!

Hello everyone, 

Following last weeks rather abrupt and a matter of fact way of saying that I am now accepted that maybe medication for my depression is just what I need right now, I am glad to say that I have probably had one of the best weeks so far in my treatment. The funny thing really is that nothing major has really happened to improved my mood apart from my medication. With this in mind, I have questioned as to whether I am suffering a placebo effect from just simply popping some pills. 

Opening last week's blog may have been quite blunt and to the point, but I must stress that I do not take decisions like these lightly and I have tried to muddle through for the weeks of cloudiness have now turned into months. I have tried not to not succumb to the need for medication in order to treat my mental health issues but truth be told is that I needed a fairly fast result in improving my mood and therefore my performance, both at and away from my desk. I know I need therapy and counselling, but I also need to block everything out as best i can and focus on my job as this is what matters and what holds the key to my future. This time the stakes are higher. There is so much more to lose. My job. My lifestyle. Even my dream home are all on the line. I cannot mess this up. Whilst the medication I am on make me feel quite queasy and nauseous most of the time, I just need to take the edge off and make everything a little less sharper. so I can concentrate more and focus.

With the doctor practically signing me away with them so easily last week or so, all with not so much as a confirmation of my mental state, I am glad to be feeling a little bit more back to normal. This is not to say that I can stop taking them as the effects are something that are to be built up overtime and whilst for the super long term I hope not to be on them I know I need them right now just to simply get by and block everything else out so I can focus on what I need to. Counselling has been getting better and a lengthy conversation about how I feel and how I have become to feel this way ensued this week with some ideas about how I can tackle or deal with the issues that I have at present. 

I know people are probably silently judging me or maybe they already have questioned how I can be so happy and jolly when I have depression, however I would first ask them to never judge a book by its cover as you never know what someone is going through or how deep their problems lie. Whilst most of the people around me have been wonderfully supportive I feel like somehow breaking your leg and clearly having it in plaster makes it easier for people to talk about a illness or being sick, but with disorders such as anxiety, depression and other mentally debilitating conditions it is not so easy. 

I learnt this weekend that I have some amazing people around me, in particular Miss Tweedle-Dee. Sitting in her garden, hot as hell and struggling with the ridiculous thirty-something degree heat wave we in the UK have been getting I realised I had someone very special to me. She in particular know that sometimes its not even saying anything at all its just sitting and being there to be extra company other than your own thoughts. And sometimes that is just enough. That is all you need. Someone so gentle as to pat me on the leg with a sympathetic look that tells me she knows exactly what I am going through and that it really will be OK in the end. Someone to give me a big cuddle and make everything not seem so awful. She is the best! 

Combined with the firecracker that is Miss Tweedle-Dumb I think we have an unstoppable friendship that has lasted years and will carry on through the decades and even across the pond. Obviously my heart will break when Miss and Mr Tweedle-Dumb leave for America but I know they will be alright and we can always visit, eat Twinkies (God I hate Twinkies), go shopping at Target and walk along the beaches of LA. And everything will be OK because it always is when you have friends like them. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Uppers and Downers!

Hey Hey, 

I thought that my week would never end. I'm trying to remember the last time that I had a week like that and truth be told I am glad that it is over. Stressed up to my eyeballs I was trying to juggle everything from buying a new home, work and attempting not to have a mental breakdown. Unfortunately, as with most things at the moment I fail in every direction. I think that I have really struggled this week both emotionally and physically with some of the challenges I have faced and all of that is certainly not easy when you are trying to battle depression to get back to the person you once was. 

Therapy this week was interesting to say the least and there was certainly a little bit more back and forth with my counsellor. Whilst my place of work have been amazing I acknowledge that it may be some time before I am right as rain again. I know that I have good days and bad days, however those of you that have suffered mental illness such as anxiety or depression will know just how well we are in "faking it til we make it" or just papering over cracks. I am sure that my therapy sessions will get worse in terms of me exploring more about why I feel like I do but I am willing to try anything right now. I know that I just need to focus and concentrate hard on what matters and soon everything will fall into place and get better. 

Although saying that, I have yet to tell my Landlord that my beautiful little flat, with its kitchen floor is beautifully covered in light grey wood effect vinyl, as is our newly lilac painted, white tiled bathroom is soon to be no longer called home for me and Mr Warehouse. After receiving a Mortgage In Principle / MIP a couple of weeks ago and reserving a property off plan last week the ball was certainly on a roll. With everything being so quick it wasn't long before we had our Approval In Principle / AIP. This is pretty much our next step in owning our own home and in basic terms means that the lender is accepting of our circumstances and will lend us the money for our home. 

The next stressful thing in the long chain of events before we move in is to instruct a solicitor. The problem is that everyone is quoting something different. I have admittedly gone overboard in terms of asking every man and his dog for a quote. After going down the road of emailing every single person and company that could possibly give us a quote, I sifted through the sixty or seventy quotes in my email inbox and whittled it down to about ten. But weeding through them again and again I soon noticed that there were charges for things that I would have expected to be included, one of which being charged upwards of £30 just to transfer money from my bank account into their bank account and back out again. Some of the quotes were fairly reasonable however some ranged even into the couple of thousands and beyond. A ridiculous amount when you think about the effort that they actually put in, copying and pasting your name and other details onto an already drafted letter or email. All a solicitor is there to do basically to check that you have completed all your paperwork correctly. As if I don't hate scrutiny combined with constructive and corrective criticism enough, now I have the joyous task of having to pay for it. 

To be fair I think we have found a solicitor in the local area that will not rip us off or charges for every phone call, email, text or letter. Hopefully with our Approval In Principle / AIP ticking along nicely and with our estate agents working it hard to get together a pack for the housing association it wont be long before we have got our keys! Still makes me anxious to know that essentially we have bought semi-off-plan. As explained last week, this means that we are going to be the first people to ever live in this house. On the one hand I like the idea of being the first people within a new home, however I have always falling in love with a property or building for the fact of its history including the people that lived in it and the what the walls could say about them. All the arguments, laughter and silly moments that are captured within the shear structure of a building add to its appeal for me. I know for a fact that Mr Warehouse thinks this is all a load of Tosh. I am sure that it will not take long for Mr Warehouse and I to fill our new home with laughter and happiness ... Fingers crossed at least!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Building The Yellow Brick Road!

Hello Everybody, 

Isn't it always sods law or otherwise known as Murphy's Law when you have organised and have everything in order ready to go only to find out that actually it was pretty pointless. Well that seems to be the story of my life at the moment. And so as the work starts to get under way in the flat, the kitchen floor is beautifully covered in light grey wood effect vinyl, as is our newly lilac painted, white tiled bathroom. The bare minimum has been done with what was originally discussed and needed doing, and to be fair there is quite a bit left to do in terms of bringing the flat up to standard. Although this may all be completely unnecessary waste of time for mine and Mr Warehouse's benefit. 

As I spoke of last week, maybe with the constant reminder of how crappy our situation is in terms of not having the capacity to just do it ourselves and get it fixed or how we want it without having the worry of workmen coming in and out as they please may worked its magic. After receiving a Mortgage In Principle / MIP last week and with it now in hand I looked no further and immediately spent the rest of my lunch break calling up estate agents and housing associations looking for any properties that might be within our budget. Mr Warehouse and I have seen a couple of properties and as frustrating as it was to let go of some beautiful homes, we knew that we would find something eventually. After a couple of phone calls with a local estate agent I was, along with Mr Warehouse, invited into their offices for a chat. In the hour long conversation and chit chat that we had with the estate agent he gave us the confidence that maybe we could get our home one day. 

I think the only downside that there is at the moment is the fact that we are buying a property off plan. This means that we are going to be the first people to ever live in this house. On entering I know that it will be cold and clinical however it will not take long for us to fill it with love, laughter and warmth. On the one hand I like the idea of being the first people within a new home, however I have always falling in love with a property or building for the fact of its history including the people that lived in it and the what the walls could say about them. All the arguments, laughter and silly moments that are captured within the shear structure of a building add to its appeal for me. I know for a fact that Mr Warehouse thinks this is all a load of Tosh. 

Now it has not been fully confirmed yet that we can buy as our mortgage adviser is in contact with the estate agent to discuss the finer details, but one thing is for certain and that is that there appears to be a silver lining to be otherwise cloud that hangs over me. Over the last couple of weeks I have felt slightly more sunnier and I am solely holding the housing situation as fully responsible for making me smile more. I am certainly not back to the happy-go-lucky laughing and joking self, but in time I know I can be. Getting a Mortgage In Principle is a big deal in itself and I know that given this good news it can hopefully only get better. 

Whilst it certainly won't make up for some of the other issues that I have going on in my life at the moment I really think and hope that my counselling sessions starting this week will make me feel all the more better. My place of work has been amazing and I cannot thank them enough for the effort and support they have given me. I had attempted to go through the normal avenues of the my GP and the NHS but I am still awaiting on a doctor's appointment to confirm my mental health instability and what I basically already know as a mild depression. I suppose that it must be difficult for those of you reading that know me quite well. Mental illness is something that I have always prided myself on hiding and trying my best to mask over, although it would appear on this occasion I have not been doing so well hiding it. I know that I have good days and bad days, however those of you that have suffered mental illness such as anxiety or depression will know just how well we are in "faking it til we make it" or just papering over the awkward questions about how I'm feeling or how things are going. We're quite good liars I'll have you know. 

I really think that therapy will help me as it did last time. I just need to focus and concentrate hard on me and not others, taking everything just one step at a time so I can learn how to deal with certain things, life events and more--so the people around me. With my mood cloudy and stormy of late and certainly not feeling myself at all, the good news that I have been striving hard for may have potentially paid off. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx