Things Will Be A Little Different This Year!

Hello,

I always knew that this Christmas would probably be the hardest that I had in a long time. Not only will Christmas Day be spent with the family missing one important member in particular, my grandfather, but also that I am without my best friend who is over five-thousand miles away in LA. 

On Friday, before of debauchery of our Christmas parties with our work colleagues, Mr Warehouse, Miss Tweedle-Dee and I met at a local restaurant for dinner. You see our normal tradition of going out on Christmas Eve to celebrate the final few hours before the big day was not possible this year as Miss Tweedle-Dee was flying out to LA to spend Christmas with the American newlyweds Mr and Mrs Tweedle-Dumb. As such our normal Christmas Eve meal had to be brought forward as she flew out today and so we now found ourselves in a quiet corner of a gorgeous fine dining restaurant in a posh end of "The Shire". Exchanging gifts felt as though we were missing someone out of the loop. Obviously this was not the case as I had already wrapped and packaged Mr and Mrs Tweedle-Dumb's package to post out the following day as Miss Tweedle-Dee was not able to take with her. 

With one thing or another taking over as life normally does I had found myself at the post office this evening and after being rather disorganised making myself several days late for posting the precious Christmas parcel, I was then informed that the parcel itself was quite heavy and large therefore would cost quite a bit to post out to the states! Devastated I asked for the damage and nearly fell over when I was informed by the post office clerk that it would be nearly £80.00! Deflated I returned home to Mr Warehouse only for him to ask why I was still carrying around the Christmas parcel. After explaining my difficulties to him he suggested that we should open it up again and split it down into smaller and lighter packages that would be much cheaper to transport. 

This was certainly not what I wanted. I already had visions of my parcel that I had been hugging since I had finished wrapping it being delivered to the sunny Los Angeles apartment that she and her new hubby occupied, opening it with glee and excitement, probably not even anticipating any presents that were not being handed through Miss Tweedle-Dee. I had already imagined what the Skype or WhatsApp video call would have been like whilst Mrs Tweedle-Dumb read out the clues and jokes that accompanied each and every little present. Disappointed I decided to have a look into other courier companies that may be able to ship for a little less, however after a short search online using the trusted Google homepage I was unable to get any quote less than £50.00. 

Almost bordering on giving up I started to search on Amazon and eBay for more Christmas presents I could purchase for Mr Warehouse, maybe even hoping for a last minute deal on a game he has been after for months. But that is when it suddenly occurred to me that Amazon is a worldwide company and whilst eBay may have difficulty in delivering a parcel to the US when the billing address and card are registered to the UK, I was certain that I would not encounter the same problems with Amazon. And so I gave it a go and low and behold it worked, at least I think so anyway?! Fingers crossed it actually arrives with the recipient! 

Whilst I was sad to see my best friend off to a whole new world and life in sunny L.A, I do sometimes feel upset that she isnt here. I am sure that Mrs Tweedle-Dumb feels the same and when I bought my first home and gave house tours and threw my first house party and got engaged and all of that she wishes she was back here as much as I would be to be out there. Nothing will ever replace my first ever best friend. I felt ashamed and guilty of my selfish thoughts before when I thought about Mrs Tweedle-Dumb moving away with her new hubby, partly because I would not have given a flying fuck about who was left behind or what they were feeling - I would have been long gone, but partly because I wanted her to do the same. 

Since Mrs Tweedle-Dumb left, Miss Tweedle-Dee and I have been just fine back here because we know that despite how hard it will be finding a good connection for WhatsApp Video calls or messaging at odd hours of the day and night; Our friendship will be OK. As much as it makes me feel devastated to think of my life here in England without her, I need to remember that it is not all bad and I am sure Mrs Tweedle-Dumb will be home soon, in the flesh rather than the fun that we will all have trying to successfully achieve a (three-way) Skype session or FaceTime . 

But this year is different. I suppose that this past year there has been quite a few changes in my life which has made Christmas a little different. Granddad will not be here and neither will my Tweedles, off living their best lives in sunny L.A. But this year has brought many good things too - I have a new Fiance and a New Job as Marketing Coordinator but most of all, I have a swanky new home to hang my stocking and hope Santa fills it with all that resides on my ever growing wish list! 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx 

Difficult Roads Often Lead To Beautiful Destinations

Suup, 

I never thought that I would have festival blues like I did at Reading Festival back in 2014, oh boy do I have a big come down from the glitter and frolics of a festival atmosphere. Truth be told I didn't think that I would have enjoyed myself or looked forward to the Bedford River Festival as much as I did. Maybe it was the drib's and drabs of family and friends throughout the weekends festivities that made it as good as it was, or maybe it was just simply down to the fact that I felt much better than I have done in the last few months. I suppose that the reality is that next time the Bedford River Festival comes around we will be living in our new home and who knows what life might be like then. although I am sure that there will still be a place for some glitter and denim shorts to enjoy the drumming music, incredible smelling food and host of activities and things to do and see. 

With the last few months being a bit of a whirlwind in terms of emotions and life events, I decided a couple of weeks ago that I would book a few days off at the end of the month after payday in order to have a little bit of me time for rest and recuperation. Suggested by several of my friends including Miss Hackney and Miss Sugarcoat who I have met up with a few times over the last couple of weeks, I think a few days to relax and take time for myself will be beneficial and can only do me some good. I have a few things planned such as some nice lye-in's and watching telly. On Wednesday I will be getting my hair done which maybe doesn't seem like such a big deal but for me a relaxing afternoon in the hairdressers chair is just what I need. Maybe afterwards I might take a trip over to one of the retail outlets a few miles out of town in order for some retail therapy and a treat or two.

Thursday's plans will consist of going to my usual counselling sessions and therapy, however this week will be the first of the NHS Treatments. In the afternoon I also have a doctor's appointment in order to discuss my ongoing medication and going forward with my diagnosis. Whilst the medicine I am on has finally stopped making me feel queasy and nauseous, I haven't stopped taking them as I know that this is something I need to continue in order to build up it's effect, regardless of how I feel much better and more back to normal. I know that coupled with counselling and therapy I will get better it will just maybe take a little bit longer. 

Friday is what I am really looking forward to as I will be accompanying Mr Warehouse to a spa in London. Courtesy in part to Nanny Pumpkin's Christmas present to Mr Warehouse and I we will be enjoying a gorgeous fruit platter as well as some relaxing treatments. I think just simply having some time just for us will be nice as I think life just takes over and before you know it it has been weeks since you have spent time with each other. 

I know after spending Sunday afternoon in the sunshine with two of my favourite people, Nanny Pumpkin and Mr Warehouse, I realise the heartbreaking reality that whilst my Grandma is doing her own thing and thoroughly enjoying life skipping off here, there and everywhere, I know in reality by the amount of times my grandfather was mentioned that she does miss him. Listening to Miss Hackney and Miss Sugarcoat their own grandparents and how their lives have been affected since one of them had passed away made me want to spend time, and quality time at that with Mr Warehouse whilst we have the chance to do so before mortgages and family life takes over. 

This is a happy time where we should be excited about finally getting a home of our own and looking forward to putting our own stamp on the place, although I think Mr Warehouse would agree with me when we both say that life has not been the easiest for us at the moment. It has been a poisonous melting pot of complicated issues including my mental health, Mr. Warehouse's skin condition and his own health worries all mixed together with a good helping of work issues and family problems, sprinkled with the stress of buying a house and preparing to move home. When the Devil on my shoulder tells me that it is going to be very expensive and makes me question as to whether Mr Warehouse and I can afford it, I must remember all of the other times that I thought or wondered how I would ever afford what I wanted in life. I am sure that I will look back a year from now and wonder as to what exactly I spent my money on. 

It terrifies me to think that I will have to depend on someone else both financially and in the general upkeep and running of the house in Mr Warehouse. To say that things have been tense or highly strung has been a understatement and I would say Mr Warehouse and I have argued more than we have ever in the last few months than we ever have in the last three and a half years we have been dating. But for all the snippy comments or playful bickering that happens between us I cannot fault Mr Warehouse for his support and love over the last few months, holding me up high when I was down in my lowest points and making me feel so loved and wanted it's unreal. I don't think that there is literally anything that his arms couldn't cuddle away and I know that whatever life throws at us I will be able to deal with it just as long as I have him by my side, wiping away the tears and making things better for as long as we have ... 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

One Size Does Not Fit All!

Afternoon All, 

So the moment has come (nearly) when the shops start blaring out Christmas hits and everyone starts barging in Tesco for the last box of mince pies! But as everyone clammers for that Gold Sequin number in Topshop, here I am wishing I could fit in to Primark sizes let alone any of the other High Street or Online party dress offerings. 

Ever since I can remember I have always been a larger size. At my High School Prom I look back on the photos of me that will take him that evening and think about how skinny and then I was. I looked a bit odd with my large head on my small underdeveloped frame. True to my Emo / Scene kids self I wore a handmade "Cold November Rain" inspired prom dress compromising of a corseted bodice and a graduated hemline skirt of black silk and pink neon chiffon. I had a collar bone and arms with shoulders to be proud of. I was a size 12. Now, a decade on, I am four dress sizes bigger and with the High street now struggling to cater to my less than agile physique, three weeks ago I decided to finally do something about it. I joined a new Gym opening for less than a tenner a month and have decided to also invest in a personal trainer to help kick start the weight loss and journey to a thinner, happier and hopefully more attractive me!

My inspiration really has to come from somewhere I have spent most of my time and that is at work. One girl there has grabbed the bull by the horns and has thrown herself into the exercise and fitness regimes like a female baaws I have never seen before. Triple-Thursdays are now a thing where three back-to-back classes are in attendance every week along with work out Wednesdays and Gym-Time-Tuesday. OK the last two I made up but Triple-Thursday is a real thing. A the beginning of the year I admired her. By the Summer I was in awe of her achievements and now, I look back as we all do on the transformation she has made and applaud her for all the hard work and effort she has put in. But in all fairness it is not you or I that see the difference or reap the benefits, nor even the lucky man she has on her arm, but her. She worked so damn hard because at some point she reached where I am now in the fact that I don't want to be that Mommy that sits on the park bench watching the kids play. I want to chase after them and run around too, not sitting reading a book I don't like because I get out of breath just looking at the roundabout. I want to be able to run round the park after my step-pooch and one day my own little fluff ball playing hide-and-seek and chase. I want to run up the stairs and not almost pass out at the top. 

After my first week I was hella nervous and on entering the new Gym complex where I was to begin my Personal Training Sessions I was a little scared. Normally friendly and bubbly to the point of being in your face I couldn't have become more opposite, now preferring to be a wallflower, fading into insignificance. Although I am a plus-size gal so that ain't happening any time soon. Starting off on the treadmill I was OK, a little breathy but OK. But that was just the warm up. Next were kettle bell swinging and steps. Again, a little more out of puff but still managing to hold a conversation. following that my PT decided to crank it up a notch by introducing me to the ropes and medicine balls. Again, looking at them I thought that they might be a little more tough but something I can handle. Yeah it was OK but I was certainly starting to feel it. Sweating in all the places I never expected to I carried on, trying to battle my way through. Finally those reps were done and I rewarded myself with some water and a moments rest. But then. Then came the dreaded box of doom. 

Twenty-inches high, the cube came up to above my knee. "I have had skirts longer than that" I thought to myself. "But you also couldn't fit into them now, could you fatty!" the devil on my shoulder said in retaliation. Spurring me on I soldiered through the gruelling task of simply stepping up onto the box and stepping back down. Sounds easy enough but by ten repetitions in I needed to stop. My vision was blurry and becoming tunnelled. I could feel waves of heat washing over me and every movement of my head or body made me want to be sick. Not wanting to Vom on my PT I took a rest and sat down for fear I might stumble. I knew my limit and I was super-unfit. Regretting the cigarettes and booze and takeaways I walked out of the venue bidding farewell to the staff thinking that I could do what I always do and just never come back. 

The question is would that really benefit me? The brutal answer is no it wouldn't and in less than six-weeks time I would be wondering why I am still the same size as I was last year and the year before and the year before that, all in the hope that somewhere does nice dresses in fat sizes for my Christmas party at work. Now I am not trying to say that all people size twenty (UK) and above need to go and join a gym and get on a strict diet of lettuce and carrot sticks, but what I am saying is that I am sick and tired of looking in every shop at beautiful dresses or outfits and all in the knowledge that they are not made for my frame or size. I have had enough of seeing stylish and sexy clothes that I cannot wear because they do not fit either on the arms, bust or waist and on the odd occasion I will hit a hat-trick of all three being completely wrong in an outfit that looks stunning on the size eight model. 

I returned last week for my first full paying session with the personal trainer. She is now costing my £45.00 for six-sessions of thirty-minutes every week and at a value of less than £7.50 per session I think that works out fantastic value and gets me exactly where I want to be. I wasn't as nervous as a first time walking through the doors, and in actual fact being greeted by people that already knew my face was quite a blessing. Oddly enough I had been looking forward to it. And whilst it was hard with more of the ropes, medicine balls and kettle bells, plus a few squats and lunges for good measure I was pleased to not feel as out of breath as I was the week before. No nausea. No blurred vision. No having to stop. Powering through it like my own female baaws. I have not quite got the Triple-Thursday crave yet, but I certainly walk out of the place now feeling more confident, achieved and even with a smile of my face looking forward to my next session. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Driving me Crazy!

Hi there you!

So last weekend was, let's be honest here, a bit of a bore - Obviously ignoring the night out with my work colleagues that is. But this week and the weekend just gone has got me thinking more about life as a whole and where its going and what I want to be doing with it. 

Work is work for most people right? Not for me. I enjoy my job. Love it more than Starbucks sometimes. But since the arrival of some more company down in my end of the office in Autumn last year I have been embroiled in a conscience battle as to whether this is a job for life or not. Now I am not saying for a single second that this is a job whereby I would leave any time soon, but given the right offer and circumstances, I would consider heavily. 

You see today has been like many another day in the office. Paperwork. E-mails. Phone calls. And it is this that I love - The busy nature of the place. The fact that every day is essentially the same but without being the same is why I have stuck it out for so long, the good with the bad, the rough with the smooth. I mean something happens every day that keeps me on my toes, which I enjoy and the thrill of having stacking paperwork and jobs excites me knowing I have a busy time ahead of me. But lately since my old Supervisor moved to a different department I have been increasingly unhappy within my role. Needless targets, silly procedures and pointless run-through's of stuff I already know and do is really dragging me down. The snotty, condescending and quite frankly patronising remarks I get from some colleagues of mine leaves me wondering where my future is heading and whether a this is what I really want for the years to come. 

Now I understand that everyone has to have a bitch and a moan sometimes about their employment and as a British person I feel even more so I should have a good old moan about it. Everyone has bad days right? And sometimes when you are having a bad day, be it at work or else where, an offer of any kind can seem like such a bedazzling light at the end of the tunnel that like a firefly you head right towards its burning flame. This happened to me today. 

After fucking up a couple of times last week (and I literally mean like two or three times) with everyone from my engineers to customers and all in between, new procedures have been implemented from my supervisor, making my job at least an hour longer every day and more complex than what it should be. Ironically this is something I went to a conference last month about: Looking for ways to increase business and get rid of all the silly procedures and protocol. After having a good old British chin-wag about it with some work colleagues in the canteen I was made aware of a position within the company that had my ears pricked and my eyes wide! Within the same building there was a girl whom I had become quite close with. She was leaving soon and as a result a job opening had become available doing pretty much the same thing I do but for a different division. Mood suddenly brightened by an opportunity within grasping distance and on hearing that the girl's manager had already tried to poach me for the position I was intrigued and asked for more information. 

Whilst the job is at the same salary there are pro's and con's to the career move. On the plus side it would be me and my boss working together on similar projects I work on now. Secondly, I wouldn't have to deal with the daily remarks of not doing my job "well" or "in the correct way" not to mention constantly being undermined and undervalued as an employee. I would have more space and freedom.I would be the first person to receive the post every morning, distributing it throughout the building and mingling with my old colleagues. I would even have the potential to ask for a pay rise. On the other side, it would be fairly lonely with minimal interaction from people both in the office and over the phone. I would have to get better with my lateness as well as improve on my timely manner and the likelihood of me being invited to any nights out or events would potentially be at risk. 

Not only that but I question whether I am actually ready to leave. I spoke with several friends and family members and the response was mixed to say the least. On the one hand I am excited for the new opportunity and the idea that I had already been theoretically head-hunted for the role was ego-boosting anyway. But am I ready to leave the business I have built up from nothing? I was only a matter of hours into my role within the company before I was thrust the division I work in and pretty much told "Its a mess, please help us to sort it out". I am the one who built the business into what it is today with the practical procedures and inventive ways of helping everything tick along nicely. I am the one who has built up a two year relationship with both my sales reps, engineers and customers, not to mention the employees I work with. I have grown the subcontracted side, with help from colleagues, from thing from barely there to being a huge part of what the company as a whole does. Am I really willing to hand over my baby and sack it all in potentially for what has been a crappy few months with an equally shitty rubbish day? As one friend in the office put it ... Am I prepared to see another person sat at my desk doing my job? I need to find out some more details so first thing tomorrow after digging into my CoCo Pops I shall approach the boss man and ask him the details of the opening. With the other girl leaving on Friday though I will have to make my decisions quick although I am sure I shall update you next week with the outcome.

Maybe I am over-reacting? I mean my stress levels recently have forced me into meltdown over the silliest of things. The fact that in less than twenty-four hours I will have known whether I have passed or failed my theory test is something that has been looming over me for weeks. I am bricking it! After studying for weeks about road traffic signs, speed limits and stopping distances, not to mention the difference between pelican and puffin crossings I feel like my brain has been frazzled and whatever I do now is redundant for I am almost certain to fail. In every mock test, exam and hazard perception video I go through I scrap by with the skin of my teeth. Or just fail by a smidgen. But with less than twenty-one hours to go and my first driving lessons already booked for Saturday morning there is not much room for error and the expectation to pass this exam is greater than it ever has been before. 

Wish me luck!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Laid Off and Fighting Back!

Bloggers Note: I have recently decided to start a thing going whereby if you yourself have a 'Trial or Tribulation' that I can help with then feel free to drop me a free and fully confidential message by popping it on a mini form in the right-hand sidebar or email me at: Abbbey4@gmail.com :) xx

Heyy Everyone, 

So after the last couple of weeks being an emotional roller coaster and with disagreements surrounding my blogg content regarding my relationship with my mother and generally my family values life has not got much better. Yet again I am back at square uno and in the same situation I find myself all the damn time. I am, yet again, unemployed. 

This happened on Friday and was a culmination of many weeks slaving through overtime including ridiculously early mornings and tiring late evenings at work putting in the hours just to try and attempt to make a difference in my work load which was all in vain as when your part of what is meant to be a four or five person team running on two maybe three people you can imagine the stress and strain it caused. And so after ten-weeks in the new job role as Credit Control Administrator I was formerly considered unable to cope with the amount of pressure put on me as a team member and cleared my desk swiftly saying goodbye to work colleagues that I had come to love and admire. Safe to say I shall miss working there a little bit however there are some things (and some people) that I shall not miss. 

All in all whilst I sit here by my window in my little flat I am panicking. I have less than enough money in my bank account, I have bills coming out my arse left, right and centre and to top it all off the rent is due in less that three weeks. I am slowly slipping into my overdraft and have very little food in my kitchen to sustain me for much longer. I have no savings and spent all my driving lesson money on moving into my new abode of which not a penny of it has been put back. I think I am starting to get very, very concerned about my life now and how I shall manage on what a menial allowance the government in the UK pays people with no jobs. 

However I do not plan on investing in tracksuit bottoms just yet as I have had a rather proactive Monday whereby I have sought advice from the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) as well as the local council and have obtained a stack of paperwork to fill in and return first thing tomorrow morning. On Friday evening I was able to bag myself a telephone interview with a large company based and conducted myself so well this morning over the phone that they have offered me a second interview at their offices just outside Bedford. I have also been put through for a handful of other positions ranging from admin and Secretary work right down to good old customer service. I would love to go back to doing credit control and have stipulated that to the agencies in the town; But at this very moment I cannot be choosy as to where my next pay-cheque comes from. 

Other than that life has not been easy over the past few days although that wonderful Mr. Cheese of mine has been able to make life a little more bearable with his company. I thought that when it comes down to situations like this that I am quite an optimistic person, always seeing the silver lining in things and making the best out of a situation. But Mr. Cheese on the other hand brings a whole new meaning to looking up - No pun intended! Naughty! After chatting to him on Friday night, I dreaded even telling him thinking that he would no longer want to be my boyfriend because of my change in circumstance. I thought to myself as I rang his number for the fifth time that evening forcing myself not to hang up for lack of words, that somehow it would be much easier to just tell him that I no longer wanted to be with him any more. Yes. I know it sounds stupid because I'm more crazy about him than I am about Starbucks (and I fucking love Starbucks) but somewhere in my head it equates that I wouldn't want to date someone unemployed, so why would anyone want to date me with no job. I know. Silly really! Mr. Cheese's optimism shone through when he mentioned that the weekend is the weekend and that logically speaking I'm not classed as unemployed until Monday morning, which is a nice way to look at it, but it didn't stop my stomach from flipping the entire weekend knowing that bills still have to be paid and rent will become due soon. 

Life for the young people of Britain is hard. I'm not going to lie I hate being here again. Unemployed, Unwanted and Undervalued. It seems that the culture nower days is simply that employees, in particularly those under thirty are just too disposable. Even when you get a job its hard as employers know that if you don't want it that there are hundreds of people lined up behind you that are waiting for you to slip up. The benefits system in England is something I believe is a good thing and is there for people in desperate times to make ends meat and pay for things to help the survive. It is something manageable, not livable. Social security is not something I want to be on and I would like to think that the majority of people I plan to see at the Job Centre over the next week will be in the same boat as me. But all too often you see the iconic characters including velour track-suited mom's pushing a pram with a screaming child whilst two other tag along behind, the alcoholics and drug abusers whom with the money the government has just given them will go straight towards the tills of the nearest seven-eleven and the thugs that hang around in groups only to intimidate and scare those in society that should be respected and honoured. Yes. It is these people that I loath as I am sure many of you do. Why? Because unlike myself and other hard working individuals who have found themselves out of work, these people have no intention of getting a job instead claiming that they are unable to work due to health reasons, child care or some other phantom excuse. 

The Job Centre itself is about as much help as a chocolate teapot. Whilst the job-seekers loitering around the entrances of the lurid green institutes and you take your first steps inside what is meant to be a place of helpful information and advice you feel every little shred of joy you had left in your sole sucked out, turning you as grey and defeated as the cigarette ash coating the pavements outside. As studies have already proven the Job Centre is a failure in its own right. Jobs are rarely updated when filled, staff are unhelpful and the processes are complicated and confusing even for the best of people. Their job is to find you a job but seldom does that ever happened. Usually you are pointed in the direction of a website or machine that you can look at vacancies in the local area and towards information you could have picked up using Google. 

Whilst I have gone off on a slight tangent I do hope that with all this in mind I shall not be out of work for very long. Actually scratch that. You know what I know I wont be out of work for very long. I can do this. I can beat this and make something better for myself that sitting on the sofa eating CoCo Pops at 9am watching Jeremy Kyle and his guests battle it out for a DNA test. Seriously though! No. I plan to get up and fight this with everything I've got. I will make this better and have a job where I am appreciated and rewarded for my hard work. Fuck you life! I'm biting back - Rawr!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx