The Vagina Crusade!

Bloggers Note: I have recently decided to start a thing going whereby if you yourself have a 'Trial or Tribulation' that I can help with then feel free to drop me a free and fully confidential message by popping it on a mini form in the right-hand sidebar or email me at: Abbbey4@gmail.com. Also If you have any ideas on how to make me sound or look more interesting then just do the same! :) xx

Heyy, 

I don't know quite what I expected from life as a newly singleton. Lonely nights in front of the TV. Declining invites to events for fear of loved-up couples making me barff. Rekindling a love affair with my bedsheets, penguin pyjamas and re-run's of Attenborough whilst crying into tissues thinking about the times I used to spend cuddled up to what was after having great sex which is now impossible since I don't have a boyfriend! All things and many more sad traits I expected life in Loosersville to be like. Life has almost been quite the opposite I must say and I can only see it getting better as Summer rolls on. So roll on Thursday this week and pin a notice on your board of Abbey-Awesomeness because I have a date this week! 

Impromptu nights out in rainy beer gardens, tank-top etiquette and waxing were all on my unplanned and spontaneous weekend agenda. It started with Friday night whereby after finishing early from work I decided to hit up the local off-licence for a bottle of rose wine and chocolate with the plan to spend the evening hoping work colleagues would invite me to the pub whilst watching yet another chick-flick only to end Friday night in either tears or women-empowerment. Neither of those happened. Instead after getting home to my flat, ignoring the washing up and cooking dinner I was questioned by my dear old friend Miss Chocolate why I was single. It suddenly dawned on me as I sat watching my social network conversation take a-hold that I hadn't spoken to her in over a month, and in that time things between Mr. Cheese and I had gone from butterflies to breadcrumbs (and not the posh kind you find in Waitrose). I thought that an explanation was due in person and so I donned some mascara and red lippy and headed to a pub down the road for some drinks and a natter. 

Several hours later and in the small hours of Saturday morning I was returning from my unanticipated pub excursion however I failed to get into bed until gone 3am. Why? I was talking to a boy. Yes. A real one. Well I hope anyway. I shall not divulge any more as I don't want to ruin anything before it is even started but he is lovely and cute and sweet and funny and clever and fun and entertaining in every way I could wish for! We have been in contact for a few weeks now but still have yet to meet in person but I am sure that when we do there will be a tale to tell! Waking up Saturday I had high hopes for tackling that monstrosity in the kitchen sink, doing some banking and maybe even the shopping. Unfortunately that was all planned with the idealism that I would not wake at three in the afternoon. Yes, I had indeed slept for nearly twelve-hours. As I peered through bleary eyes I noticed through my notifications that Miss Tweedle-Dee had tried calling. Phoning her back we arranged for a girlie sleepover that evening. Wine, Cake and snack shall all be laid on with the accompaniment of a film to pass the time. However after recent events, Hollywood drama was replaced by the real life drama's of two girls in their early twenties discussing everything from stupid boys to new boys, surrogacy, marriage and even politics at one point! After swigging down a few bottles we decided to head out for a cigarette. 

Entering the blackness of my quiet street in a Bedford suburb we heard nothing but a cat meowing and maybe the distant hum of a car engine. Laughing and giggling about our up coming Summer venture to Reading Festival  2014 we puffed away on menthol's in between getting deep in conversation about who will sleep with who in our luxurious tent. The from out of no where came a blood-curdling noise. Ripping through the night air like a beast. Looking up to the window that occupied the flat beneath mine we both took turns to peer round the wild hedgerow to seek out where the ghastly noise was coming from. Miss Tweedle-Dee looked concerned and asked if maybe the noise was a man nearing the finishing line. Silence was broken as I broke into laughter. I knew that my best friend was into girls, but was it really that long since she knew what a man experiencing orgasm sounded like. Watching her face crack too we laughed uneasily as the groans, grunts and heavy breathing continued. What was that? Was he choking? Dying even? Was my neighbour dying as my best friend and I guffawed about the male climax? No. It was fine we told ourselves, returning to my flat upstairs only to hope that the elderly gentleman had not cum and died within the space of our four-minute cigarette break. Current update is that all is well and good and only just this evening as I returned from a hard day at work I saw him trundle up the stairs with his trusted bottle of White Ace and a beard to match. 

Sunday morning was a welcome surprise when I entered my living room to find Miss Tweedle-Dee already awake and scrolling through her Tumblr, a usual morning ritual for her. After discussing plans for the day we decided to head into the town centre for some procrastination and bargain hunting, but not before wandering round a shit car boot on the way. Same old things sold at boot-sales isn't it; Old baby clothes and dodgy ornaments even your Nan wouldn't tolerate! After some deep and meaningful conversing over breakfast and oddly cake and ice-cream at just gone 11am we took a stroll round some shops and picked up some stuff I was looking for to spruce up my flat. I am thinking shabby chic. I suppose you could call it Sh-Abbey Chic! Sunday afternoon ended with both us girls lounging on the couch watching VegTV (AKA only the kind of TV you watch when your Hungover, Tired or just plain simple) following some serious shopping. Then came a wonderful idea to wax however I declined for fear that my double-chin, whilst not hairy in the slightest, would not only be ripped off by molten lava but that dearest Miss Tweedle-Dee would put me on YouTube for all to see and for entertaining herself greatly. 

Waving goodbye to Miss Tweedle-Dee a few hours later, double-chin still fully intact, I pottered around my flat for what I had left of the weekend, chatting in between to my new found male friend! You see part of me still wonders, and I know its silly, weather I am the problem in all this? Am I the one who actually has something wrong with them? Is that why this is happening? And then I think 'No'! I am a wonderful human being who whilst only being established in 1991 has experienced more than most and has impacted on many peoples lives for the greater good! I make people weep and wheeze with laughter until they can't take no more. I bring a brightness and colourfulness to the people around like a sun to a Winter's day. I hope that one day I can be someones sunshine. There very existence and being. And whilst every day a little voice inside my head reminds me of all that is wrong with my love life, the arrogance of me speaks out louder, telling me of how beautiful I am of a person, my witty banter, my laugh and my personality that shines through, even when my confidence fails. Men of my past, you may have bruised me, but I am coming back bigger and better than before! Female empowerment level: 100!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Laid Off and Fighting Back!

Bloggers Note: I have recently decided to start a thing going whereby if you yourself have a 'Trial or Tribulation' that I can help with then feel free to drop me a free and fully confidential message by popping it on a mini form in the right-hand sidebar or email me at: Abbbey4@gmail.com :) xx

Heyy Everyone, 

So after the last couple of weeks being an emotional roller coaster and with disagreements surrounding my blogg content regarding my relationship with my mother and generally my family values life has not got much better. Yet again I am back at square uno and in the same situation I find myself all the damn time. I am, yet again, unemployed. 

This happened on Friday and was a culmination of many weeks slaving through overtime including ridiculously early mornings and tiring late evenings at work putting in the hours just to try and attempt to make a difference in my work load which was all in vain as when your part of what is meant to be a four or five person team running on two maybe three people you can imagine the stress and strain it caused. And so after ten-weeks in the new job role as Credit Control Administrator I was formerly considered unable to cope with the amount of pressure put on me as a team member and cleared my desk swiftly saying goodbye to work colleagues that I had come to love and admire. Safe to say I shall miss working there a little bit however there are some things (and some people) that I shall not miss. 

All in all whilst I sit here by my window in my little flat I am panicking. I have less than enough money in my bank account, I have bills coming out my arse left, right and centre and to top it all off the rent is due in less that three weeks. I am slowly slipping into my overdraft and have very little food in my kitchen to sustain me for much longer. I have no savings and spent all my driving lesson money on moving into my new abode of which not a penny of it has been put back. I think I am starting to get very, very concerned about my life now and how I shall manage on what a menial allowance the government in the UK pays people with no jobs. 

However I do not plan on investing in tracksuit bottoms just yet as I have had a rather proactive Monday whereby I have sought advice from the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) as well as the local council and have obtained a stack of paperwork to fill in and return first thing tomorrow morning. On Friday evening I was able to bag myself a telephone interview with a large company based and conducted myself so well this morning over the phone that they have offered me a second interview at their offices just outside Bedford. I have also been put through for a handful of other positions ranging from admin and Secretary work right down to good old customer service. I would love to go back to doing credit control and have stipulated that to the agencies in the town; But at this very moment I cannot be choosy as to where my next pay-cheque comes from. 

Other than that life has not been easy over the past few days although that wonderful Mr. Cheese of mine has been able to make life a little more bearable with his company. I thought that when it comes down to situations like this that I am quite an optimistic person, always seeing the silver lining in things and making the best out of a situation. But Mr. Cheese on the other hand brings a whole new meaning to looking up - No pun intended! Naughty! After chatting to him on Friday night, I dreaded even telling him thinking that he would no longer want to be my boyfriend because of my change in circumstance. I thought to myself as I rang his number for the fifth time that evening forcing myself not to hang up for lack of words, that somehow it would be much easier to just tell him that I no longer wanted to be with him any more. Yes. I know it sounds stupid because I'm more crazy about him than I am about Starbucks (and I fucking love Starbucks) but somewhere in my head it equates that I wouldn't want to date someone unemployed, so why would anyone want to date me with no job. I know. Silly really! Mr. Cheese's optimism shone through when he mentioned that the weekend is the weekend and that logically speaking I'm not classed as unemployed until Monday morning, which is a nice way to look at it, but it didn't stop my stomach from flipping the entire weekend knowing that bills still have to be paid and rent will become due soon. 

Life for the young people of Britain is hard. I'm not going to lie I hate being here again. Unemployed, Unwanted and Undervalued. It seems that the culture nower days is simply that employees, in particularly those under thirty are just too disposable. Even when you get a job its hard as employers know that if you don't want it that there are hundreds of people lined up behind you that are waiting for you to slip up. The benefits system in England is something I believe is a good thing and is there for people in desperate times to make ends meat and pay for things to help the survive. It is something manageable, not livable. Social security is not something I want to be on and I would like to think that the majority of people I plan to see at the Job Centre over the next week will be in the same boat as me. But all too often you see the iconic characters including velour track-suited mom's pushing a pram with a screaming child whilst two other tag along behind, the alcoholics and drug abusers whom with the money the government has just given them will go straight towards the tills of the nearest seven-eleven and the thugs that hang around in groups only to intimidate and scare those in society that should be respected and honoured. Yes. It is these people that I loath as I am sure many of you do. Why? Because unlike myself and other hard working individuals who have found themselves out of work, these people have no intention of getting a job instead claiming that they are unable to work due to health reasons, child care or some other phantom excuse. 

The Job Centre itself is about as much help as a chocolate teapot. Whilst the job-seekers loitering around the entrances of the lurid green institutes and you take your first steps inside what is meant to be a place of helpful information and advice you feel every little shred of joy you had left in your sole sucked out, turning you as grey and defeated as the cigarette ash coating the pavements outside. As studies have already proven the Job Centre is a failure in its own right. Jobs are rarely updated when filled, staff are unhelpful and the processes are complicated and confusing even for the best of people. Their job is to find you a job but seldom does that ever happened. Usually you are pointed in the direction of a website or machine that you can look at vacancies in the local area and towards information you could have picked up using Google. 

Whilst I have gone off on a slight tangent I do hope that with all this in mind I shall not be out of work for very long. Actually scratch that. You know what I know I wont be out of work for very long. I can do this. I can beat this and make something better for myself that sitting on the sofa eating CoCo Pops at 9am watching Jeremy Kyle and his guests battle it out for a DNA test. Seriously though! No. I plan to get up and fight this with everything I've got. I will make this better and have a job where I am appreciated and rewarded for my hard work. Fuck you life! I'm biting back - Rawr!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Languishing Laughs

Heyy, 

I hope that all is well in the world of you this week. I myself have had a slightly more upbeat and optimistic seven days since we last spoke. I have started packing, only two boxes I know but nevertheless it is a start and should be congratulated by a glass of wine in which I am sipping as we speak. This week in terms of the house I have visited my new abode yet again and look forward very much to moving in this weekend. Although I must admit the added stress and worry about money has got the better of me, and, knowing I wont be able to afford the large fees for moving in I have taken out a credit card. I am well aware of the implications that may arise from such a heavy responsibility but I plan to pay it all off within the first three months of moving in. Besides I have to - I have Kavos with Miss Chocolate to attend in the summer of 2014! Boy, Booze and Beaches! What more could a newly solitary women in her early-twenties ask for?!

This week has been better for a number of reasons. One of which is a new face! Mr. Rockclimber who I spoke of before Christmas and New Years if my memory doesn't fail me has been on the scene pretty much since Mr. Cheese and I went on our little break. Mr. Rockclimber however gained his name as he asked me on a date rock-climbing. I declined due to the fact I had only just found out about moving and subsequently though through no forward planning spent the weekend with Mr. Cheese. After New Years, he approached me and started small talk and now we have a date planned for Friday night - Just hours after I move in to Palais de A.Lou - A palace is much better than a Chateau! He did try to tempt me to go rock-climbing again, but I have no idea what I would wear so again aquested his request.

My other saving grace this week has got to be the bestie visiting! My little dumpling Miss Tweedle-Dee was ill over the weekend so was unable to join in with the ridiculousness however Miss Tweedle-Dumb was fit as a fiddle and in prime shape for a evening of giggles and drinks. Arriving at the station to meet her after a hard Saturday afternoon doing nothing but watching TV about current affairs and general crap Miss Tweedle-Dumb and I headed straight to the pub. After ordering food, failing several times as they seemed to be out of everything other than chocolate cake we sat down to have a nibble. Conversation almost immediately turned to the obvious - Mr. Cheese. Now since last week nothing much has changed in terms of updates, but with less than a week to go I am starting to feel apprehensive about our meet up with Mr. Cheese. And whilst I don't know for definite, I am sure that Miss South-Africa has made another appearance, especially after Mr. Cheese's vaguely coy plans for Sunday just gone. Nevertheless I tried my hardest not to speak of him, despite it taking up alot of conversation over the weekend. I think I know already what the answer is this weekend and should really prepare myself for the worst as I can't see this ever being resolved in a way I will be satisfied with. 

After a bite to eat the cigarette lounge called to us and so Miss Tweedle-Dumb and I retired before getting the next round of drinks in. Talk now turned to the recent events in her own life and the high possibility of moving overseas to be with her boyfriend who just got a job in Austria. I am excited for her, my dearest Miss Tweedle-Dumb, although it terrifies me that I struggled when I was just up the motorway in Northampton with Mr. Workaholic when that started heading south so god only knows what she may feel like in a country she has never even been to. Whilst I wish her all the best I silently hope that I have many more fond memories with her here in the land in which we grew up. It wont be forever I know that, but its scary not having your mom-therapist-stylist-sister-joker-lover-dancer-drinker pal and agony aunt right by your side. What am I going to do on a night out when I need a poo and I have to have help out of my play-suit?! What am I going to do when a boy breaks my heart (again)?! Oh my dear Tweedle-Dumb.

As the weather turned gloomy and wet we returned inside, only to find solace in the dessert menu. After scouring the small section for a good twenty-minutes I got tired of waiting and hummed a well know tune from an old TV programme called Countdown where by contestants have to make the longest word out of a whole bunch of letters selected by none other than Carol Vorderman (not Voldermort) - One of Britain's sexiest telly-cougars! Just as I finished my vocal chord, Miss Tweedle-Dee looked at me in horror only to notice that without thinking it, we had sat next to a huge poster of none other than Carol Vorderman herself. Bursting into hysterics we laughed for a further quarter-hour until we settle on pancakes and waffles. Finishing our desserts, stuffed to our rib's we noticed that the room was slightly warmer. Why? Well it seemed that a nice bit of eye-candy had fallen onto the fruit-machines and was making us both hot under the collar. Instantly we started coming out with all sorts of outrageous and cringe-worthy chat-up lines to approach him with and although none of these were put into practise, they were still funny to laugh at how unbelievably pig-headed men can be. As the last orders were called we headed home and after lots of chuckles and snorts we fell into a deep sleep next to each other for the last time before moving into my new flat.

And so after a date dilemma with Mr. Rockclimber where by I was basically blown off for a simple nose bleed his mom had, Miss Tweedle-Dumb and I had a morning of Sunday shopping and then came home to pack. We did one box. Between us. Ooops! But nevertheless I had a good week and weekend. I have a busy one ahead of me though. Tomorrow I am round to Daddy's for dinner; Wednesday is the cinema with the Tweedles and some friends; Thursday is packing and Friday is move day! Friday night I have a date with Mr. Rockclimber and Saturday I plan to unpack. Sunday however is the day I am not so much looking forward to as I have to return to my old place to host the showdown of the year. Cheese vs. Moi! Who will win ... Nobody knows! Although I am anticipating since we have both been winning with the whole open relationship thing for so long one of us is bound to loose and I have a funny feeling I should get my gloves on early. But you never know, life has a funny way of surprising me so we shall just have to wait and see what happens when I write this next week from my new home!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx