Snowmageddon

Hello one and all! 

So with the new found confidence I discovered in a bar last week down in Bedford's grim town centre of a Friday night I battled the storms and winter weather just as everyone else did admit Storm Emma and the dreaded Beast from The East. England and the rest of the UK was in for a chilly reminder that winter is yet to be over this last week and whilst it is nearly Easter and should be all spring time sunshine, flowers, bunnies and lambs - This is far from the reality of Blighty weather. 

With apply named Beast from The East, the colder weather coming across from Russia being blown by Siberia and picking up some icy chills on the way the temperatures plummeted to rival the sinking of the Titanic and blizzard snow's hampering travel plans and all manner of daily activities life for some across the British Isles this week has not been great. All was but for a minor inconvenience until Storm Emma forcing the MET Office to issue a red weather warning foreboding to a loss of life should people be caught up in the outside winds of 70mph coupled with the already existing polar vortex from Beast from The East with forecasts for -15C wind chills and snowdrifts nearly as tall as you. Yes you! 

As the snow fell carnage descended as shelves were left empty as shoppers (and general idiots) grabbed everything they could (including wiping one Tesco I went into completely of cake) in order to brave the potentially long winter nights ahead. Delays of two hours were a pleasant surprise for some people where others were stuck for hours or sometimes a couple of days on end in the middle of motorways and A-roads up and down the country. 

Call me cynical and don't get me wrong I don't live very far North of London so weather here in the comfy Home-Counties was not adverse by anyone's standards but I just don't get it when people freak the fuck out about a little bit of the white stuff. I mean it is to be expected, we are an island off the coast of some of the coldest places in the entire world; Russia, Siberia, Iceland and the Artie just to name a few, and that's not including places right on our door step like Scotland, Norway and Sweden all suffering from much snowier weather during the winter months. But they deal with it in a much better way. Heated paths and walkways so people don't slip over and better public transport that doesn't just break under the strain of a few snowflakes. I understand that for the UK the methods used in other countries are both costly and something that would not necessarily be beneficial for the people of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland but it does question about how they seem to have got a grip on things over there when the weather gets bad. 

Now I get that not everyone was that lucky enough like me and Mr. Warehouse to have the snow disappear on Saturday Afternoon as it did in Bedfordshire. I understand that to be in a car for over sixteen-hours potentially with a newborn baby with little or no water or food and only a blanket to keep warm or if you were stuck at home awaiting an ambulance to come and help you when you need it most it is not ideal and when weather is poor it only exasperates the situation and makes it worse. I, like others, have watched the news and listened to the radio hearing stories of wonderful community spirit and people being labelled as Snow Angels for the acts of heroism from John O'Groats to Lands End and everywhere in-between. And it is those moments that make me proud to be British, regardless of the weather - Come rain or shine we all stick together!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Welcome to Slim-uary!

Hello, 

So as the chill sets in and everyone appears to be battening down the hatches in preparation for bad weather and a lack of social interaction due to the fact that nobody has any money for at least another fortnight or so. And here I am feeling like I have money to burn. The struggle is real and I am starting to wonder why I ever chose to not book a holiday early this year. You see after all my work colleagues had booked last minute holidays, all of them snatching up all the great bargains and good deals, leaving Mr Warehouse and I in a bit of a tizz as to why we have spent nearly seven-hundred quid on such a holiday that was barely worth half that. 

With this in mind, 2018 will probably be our last big holiday until we own a home. This is why I am looking to go on an all expenses extra kind of holiday. Where to you ask but the thing is nobody knows. Well that is until about six to eight weeks before we fly that is. I would like to go somewhere warm and ideally long haul. Maybe America, Mexico, Caribbean or Hawaii? Who knows I may end up in Thailand eating noodles from some back end bar and having to pull Mr. Warehouse away from the Lady-boys! I am sure that where ever and when ever we book it will be magical and something to treasure whilst we save like squirrels for our house. 

With the weather in England as unpredictable as my my hair colour (Blue, pink, orange, red - You name it we've been there) it is far too early to start thinking about summer yet. Now I am sure that you are just as eager as I am, ready and waiting to strip off, ready to hit the beach in a new bikini and have everyone turn to look at you. However the only reason that I think anybody would be looking my way on holiday is to see what a state I was or to clear the road to the buffet cart. 

OK so I may jest a little about my weight and in no uncertain terms and I taking the piss out of people that heavier or larger. You are beautiful each and everyone of you. Your bodies do fantastic things like keep you alive and bore you children. You should appreciate them and all that they do for you. So why am I hear bashing myself about my own weight you may say. Well, that is because I'm not happy with myself in the dress size I am. For what seems like year after year has now started to turn into decade after decade and despite being only in my mid-twenties, I feel like I dress like somebody ten-years older than me. I want to feel beautiful and for people to compliment me for once and actually mean it. 

Rightly or wrongly I know that people, sadly mostly my family, make passing comments about my weight and have done for many years. My family has always been big especially on my father's side and with the recent deterioration of my grandfather and his health, I can only assume that his lifestyle choices will probably be the end of him. And sadly I have no sympathy for him. Don't get me wrong I fully empathise with his situation and following retirement from what was a very active lifestyle jumping in and out of lorries all day he is now fully bed-bound and in need of round the clock care. It is sad and upsetting to see him in this way especially when he has had such a huge influence on my life. We are not very close by any means but that does not mean that I do not care for him very much and it worries me to think that this time next year he may not be with us. 

Maybe this is why I have joined a local gym and started a better and more healthier eating plan. I have signed up to you and been attending personal training sessions for the last few weeks with some astonishing figures that even I did not expect. In the last 6 weeks I have lost over ten-centimetres off my waist along with over seven-centimetres off my hips and sadly one-centimetres off my bust! Sad Face! And I don't want to be down to a size stupid, pottering around with a head bigger than my daily intake of calories and a waist the same circumference as a tangerine (Which by the way I would not able to eat since it was not vegan friendly, gluten free or multivitamin infused). I would however like to enjoy my summer prancing around in the sunshine, wearing a kitsch tea dress and looking as curvy and cute as I did back in college all whilst cramming down a hot-dog or two. 

I want to enjoy my food as well as my figure and wardrobe. I don't really think that I should have to compromise on either in order to have a good time or indeed enjoy life. I would like to say that by the time the annual family fun day at work is in full swing and Mr Warehouse and I are preparing for another year celebrating a pool and darts tournament in aid of his grandfather I would like to be at least one dress size smaller than I am now. Hopefully I can get there however it will probably be quite a lot of hard work, determination and willpower. Now where did I put my kale and avocado smoothie ... 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

The Comedown is Hard!

Olaa!

Driving Mr. Warehouse to his doctor's appointment on Friday morning I could feel the blues setting in already and it has not even been twenty-four hours yet. As the chill of autumn crept into my bones and the spitting rain settled on the windscreen of my car only to be wiped away with my automatic windscreen wipers. I remember the comedowns from the other holidays that I had, and on recalling just how bad coming back to reality after Las Vegas, I knew that I would soon change my tune. Besides, the leaves are now falling and Halloween is well on its way. Fireworks will soon be in the shops and cold winter nights will replace the long summer days. And then before you know it it will be Christmas!!! 

But enough about what the next few months entail, I know that you really want to know what the rest of our holiday in Tenerife was like you nosey-beggers! So the last time we spoke Mr Warehouse had become exceedingly drunk, and to what I recount, ate a family sized bar of chocolate only to vomit it back up moments later. After we cleaned up (and when I say we I actually just mean me) and awoke the next morning, Mr. Warehouse feeling a little bit worse for wear, we decided on a relaxing day by the pool. Now you may think that lounging  by the pool all day would sound like a blissful dream, however there are always those aforementioned parents that do not think their children need to start school at the same time as everyone else and as a result are encroaching on my holiday space, taking up sun beds and generally being a annoyance when trying to catch some rays! 

On said afternoon as I was lounging by the pool on a bed which can only be described as made from flimsy plastic, barely able to hold up my posterior. Enjoying the sunshine and enjoying exactly how hot it was in comparison to what was previously a very cold office on a Monday afternoon. Thinking about the constant ringing of the telephone and customers calling in with problems and issues put a smile on my face all in the knowledge that I did not have to deal with it for another week (and as wonderful as that may have seemed I think I was more than happy to get back to the daily Grind today). Plugging in my headphones I was loving life jamming away with my toes to Dizzee Rascal or something by Calvin Harris pretending I was at a cool party in my head, all the while covering my head and face with my large beach hat so as not to burn my forehead and nose again. 

Suddenly I felt a large drip on my belly. "Surely it can't be rain, its barely clouded over all week" I thought, "probably one of those annoying kids spraying water at me whilst their parents try to ignore them as much as everyone else" I questioned as I prepared to sit up and check. Looking around there was no children in my vicinity and not a water gun to be seen. "Hmmm" I pondered as I lay back down to crisp up. But just as I laid my head back under my massive sombrero I felt a splash of cold water hit me on the stomach and legs. There was only one person that could be. Gasping for air as the shock hit me just as much as the water had done, I whipped off my shades to look up and see Mr. Warehouse standing on the balcony clutching in empty glass and looking fairly pleased with himself. Angry, cooled-down and humoured all at the same time I dashed in and wrestled Mr. Warehouse into a tickle fight. I suppose that this is what holidays are meant for the silly occasions where you are able to be yourself and have fun. 

Tuesday Mr. Warehouse and I headed out early to get one of the first buses to the local water Park. Obviously when I say local water park it probably brings to mind silly little rides for kids, dodgy plasters floating around in the pools and nearly slipping over at every turn. But this was different. This was Siam Park. Siam Park is the best Water park in the entire world, at least according to TripAdvisor anyway. Spending most of our day on the lazy river getting burnt further, Mr. Warehouse and I did venture into the Beach area where we were knocked head over heels in a man-made tidal wave which is every combination of emotions from hearing the horrified screams of people waiting to be hit by the wave, to the excited squeals of children (OK and me as an adult) as they watch it hurtling towards them, ready to sweep them away. Mr. Warehouse braved a few rides with me as well including a dreaded "red ride". The Park as a whole follows a very simple traffic light system whereby the rides are labelled from Green which is very plain and simple family friendly rides, all the way up to read which is death-defying, exciting and wet all at the same time. I attempted a few videos of some of the rides and experiences we had in the park as well as the other things we did about the week, however despite being on the continent where buying drugs on the street is seemingly readily available they still take health and safety very seriously and as a result I was not allowed to film on most of the rides in Siam Park. 

Our last full day on the island I planned to spend in Paradise on mine and Mr. Warehouse's little private beach we found, however the boyfriend thought that it would be a good idea to gain some cultural knowledge about the island and Discover some of the delights surrounding the resorts. In a last ditch attempt to find something to do we booked ourselves on an excursion to tour the volcanic mountain range of Teide national park as well as visiting the mountains it's self. As beautiful as it was it was nothing in comparison to the Grand Canyon, for I am afraid to say that once you have seen one rock you have seen them all. When you look at the fact that Mount Teide national park could fit into the Grand Canyon national park over thirty-times, it certainly gives you a bit of scale. Travelling across the mountain range we headed to some little seaside towns where we got to have a spot of lunch before soaking in the beautiful island of Tenerife in all its tropical glory. Tackling the treacherous roads that lead up and down of the mountain range I was certainly glad of getting a coach and not hiring a car as I am not sure that I would have been able to hold my nerves whilst going round some of the hairpin turns we had to manoeuvre. 

Alas though our holiday had to come to an end at some point. We had our pooch to come back to and our lovely little flat which Miss Tweedle-Dee had been looking after the both of them whilst Mr. Warehouse and I were away. Since being back I think people are accustomed now to thinking that Mr. Warehouse and I are constantly holidaying and are planning next years already. Whilst I would love to have a job of simply writing reviews and going on trips to just write and blog and vlog all the time, that is not reality and thus I need to return back to my normal office job in order to save up for the next time we go away. Where Mr. Warehouse and I will go nobody knows;; Prague, Budapest, Krakow, Bratislava. But one thing is for sure that the next few weeks I will certainly be keeping my eyes peeled for a good deal through one of the budget Airlines. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Like Waiting For A Bus ...

Evening everybody, 

Hope all is well in the land of wherever you be reading, fine fellows. Here in Blightly as some of you may have noticed is fucking freezing. Quite literally - It was snowing here in the 'Shire. Which is why I now in my toasty little flat with a blanket draped over my legs. Yes. I am naked as I write and as brutally honest I could be much more honest with you all on some of my most recent feelings, but I shall not dwell on them before I have to. All in good time. Instead I thought I may share some warmth with you and try my hand at some erotic fiction. Now I must warn you that this is maybe not for the faint hearted and nor should you be reading whilst your Boss is in the same room, besides shouldn't you be managing an Excel Spreadsheet or drafting up a letter. For this is something special, a personal experience, and one that I will never forget - All I can say is ... FINALLY!
Enjoy!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

---

It was a cold and blustery evening in late December when the young, blonde and her current partner, were lying on a pull out sofa-bed, watching junk TV and scoffing even junkier food. After hours of relaxing and laughing in each others company the mood suddenly changed. With the mind racing (and somehow playing Barry White at the same time), she experienced her lovers hot kisses, leaving light wet stains down her pale neck as he trailed down her warm body. In vain, she tried to keep her breathing slow and steady whilst allowing  her spirit to be taken over. Hearts starting to skip, beating harder and faster making the young women breathe heavier as he went even lower. As he cups her supple breasts in each hand she whispers for him to take her nipples to his lips and begin to nibble and suck lightly making her moan softly, throw her head back in pleasure, long, blonde hair tumbling over the both of them, cascading down her voluptuous body. 

"I can feel myself getting wetter with every kiss you place on my smooth skin" she says as he tugs on her chest once more, swiftly making her convulse with pleasure. Slowly his hands start to run across her warm stomach and down to the hips where he holds them tightly, pressing his palms into her pelvis to stopping her body writhing from the pleasure. 

"Its too much. I need you. Now." she pants in his ear. "Take me" she says in deep, hushed tones. Breathing heavy and kissing passionately he grasps her neck and face in his manly hands, tugging playfully on her long locks and she knows to return the favour running her deft fingers through his hair. Holding the nape of her neck as he kisses her - Long, passionate, meaningful kisses. This is making the tension between them harder to resist. 
Slowly she trails her hands to his crotch, playing with the waistband, teasing making him feel the pressure as much she is. Inch by inch she gradually makes it into his tight underwear. Feeling him throbbing in her soft hands she moves him up and down, pacing them both until their breathing gets to the same speed. Feeling him succumb to her charms was exhilarating and knowing this just by looking into his eyes and hearing him groan, she moves faster until he cant take it no more. Releasing himself she ran her fingers along his silky shaft whilst he kissed and bit at her décolletage. 

Grabbing at her waist, he shifted her so she was finally underneath him, revealing the silken bedsheets swaddling the make-shift bed. Looking into each others eyes lust takes hold and suddenly they are pulling at each others clothes violently trying to get them off as quickly as possible, sensually making-out as they undressed. As she ruffles her fingers through his hair, he moves south and in the knowledge of how moist she was, he tugs off her underwear. Finally he bury's his head between her strong, toned thighs and with a strong hold on her pelvis begins to taste her, as hot as the tension between them. She could feel herself getting higher. He could feel it too as they entwine their fingers, steadily climbing to the peak. Again it gets too much for her to handle and just before she climaxes he stops and join's her in the Northern-hemisphere. 

As he clutches something long and pink, bought by someone old, he smiles knowing just what an impact this joyous stick will provide. Smiling he slowly caresses her lower body with the vibrations, holding it close to her making it even more intense and highly-strung than before. She was so sensitive. So moist. So ready. He can tell just how amazing this feels for her and getting more and more excited himself he continues to stimulate her Nether-Region. Harder he presses. Faster he moves. Deeper he thrusts into her and higher she climbs. Oh god. More! More! Please! She begged him to pull her in closer and hold her as she climaxed. Getting hotter she felt the waves she had read about and heard tales of so many times as her and her friends sat around at dinner discussing it. Rolling waves of heat and chill soon enough lead her to the peak. Eye rolling, back arched, body uncontrollably shaking and quivering with excitement she came, her world crashing around her in a spectacular first ever orgasm. He wasn't about to give up though and getting off himself in this torturous pleasure-game as mere seconds later it was in another blazing glory that she climaxed again, coming a second and a third time.  

In the moments that followed he wanted her for himself and as they spend moments staring into each others eyes, all she wants is to feel him inside her, getting deeper and harder. She does not have long to wait as he teases his way into her, prizing her legs apart and squeezing her waist as he enters slowly. Gasping as she feels him stretching her and letting out a little moan he starts to get harder, tensing his manhood as he thrusts into her once more making her cry out in pleasure. She knew by his contorted face that he was not far behind and as she tightened herself around him. She could feel him. All of him. As she whispered breathlessly sweet nothings into his ear and softly bit the earlobes of her partner, he held down her hips, his grip getting harder he let out the longest, deepest, animalistic groan she had ever heard. She felt the shudders from his core as he groaned once more, finishing deep and hard. 

Exhausted he collapses, snuggling his head into her breasts. There they lye for a while as she plays with his face until he pulls her into his chest where they fall asleep in each others arms, both of them blissfully unaware of the world outside and just how different it is, now she has experienced her first orgasm that is!

Walking in a Winter Wonderland!

Morning guys and gals, 

So as I am sure you can all guess by the title this week I have officially started my countdown to Christmas 2014, although I am pretty sure that started back in September when I began buying presents for everyone. And so as the pennies and pounds start dribbling fast out of my bank account on stocking fillers and the extra bottles of plonk for the big day I am getting increasingly more and more excited. This weekend however, I spent some Q.T with that big bear in my life, Mr. Warehouse but I am pleased to say that whilst we are officially now dating (Eeek, scary) I am wholly devoted to my girls, Miss Tweedle-Dumb and Miss Tweedle-Dee. 

Saturday morning I was roused by something hard digging into my spine. Slowly coming round to the winter sun streaming through my window and the chilliness that lay on the other side of the duvet I realised that I hadn't fallen asleep with my back against Pinocchio's face, it was just my Boyfriend! Oh dear lord its even weird writing let alone saying it! And with a swift burst of energy I was wide awake and heavenly satisfied once more. With both of us out on prior engagements we decided pillow talk was best kept short and sweet so I slung on my Christmas jumper and a brand new pair of super tight skinnies and headed for the kettle. 

Monging around for a few hours before we both had to leave, Mr. Warehouse was like a puppy following me around and feeling sorry for himself that we wouldn't be spending the day together. I stood my ground though and whilst I felt bad that I wouldn't be able to celebrate at one of his many family events I had my own family to attend to. Boarding a train I sipped on my iced-coffee from AMT called a 'Froffee' and it is literally to die for, Pret do something similar and again I would easily kill for one! Anyway, as the train pulled up to the station I once called home I saw my friends faces eagerly anticipating my arrival. As I got off and ushered them all to get on and grab a seat I was introduced to some familiar sounding names and a couple of familiar faces. Chatting as we raced down to London I could tell we were all excited for our day out in the big smoke. On the agenda was dinner at TGI Fridays in Leicester Square and then to head on over to Hyde Park for what seems to be now for me an annual trip to Winter Wonderland. 

As we stormed into London I felt an almost overwhelming sense of anxiousness take me over. I hadn't been back here since Mr. Cheese and I was worried about how I would feel now being back. I wasn't to worry though as I think the Tweedle's sensed something may be amiss. As we disembarked the train and headed out of St. Pancras Station I felt everyone surround me and whilst I know it sounds stupid I felt supported and happy to have them there. I honestly don't know how I would have felt or reacted on my own or with anyone else for that matter. The fact that I was on the brink of wetting myself probably helped with taking my mind off things but as we walked past my beloved Starbucks I couldn't help but think of the moment back in February when Mr. Cheese and I parted. 

Toilet stops done and out the way we headed for the Tubes. Feeling like I was somewhat at home again I strategically guided us through the mixture of tourists and weekend workers to Leicester Square. Looking around and seeing the sights I was once so familiar with we all gazed around in wonder like children as we conversed, waiting for Miss Tweedle-Dumb's other half to arrive in from Berkshire. Once all eight of us were together we headed on up to the spectacular M&M World, right in the heart of the Strip. Even before we walked in you could smell the sweet, creamy chocolatey flavours just wafting through the air. As we elbowed our way through the crowds and looked at overpriced merchandise all of us came to realise that this was a pure novelty and no expense was going to be made by this Octo-gang today! And after a disappointment with TGI's not having a table for eight available we ended up going to Chiquitos instead. Not as good as the independent Mexican Mr. Cheese took me to in Victoria but alright I guess for a quick and easy dinner with the odd game of 'Chinese Whispers'. That was until the restaurant royally fucked up the bill more than twice. In the end I think we had all had enough of the stupid flavoured popcorn and overly priced cocktails and left. 

Now was for the real party time! Braving the chilly November air we stepped back out into the city, heading over to the Underground once more, this time ending up at Marble Arch, albeit a rather long-winded route. Dodging some busy traffic speeding across four lanes and singing Christmas songs all the way down the Mall we finally arrived. You could see it from a distance, you always could but somehow it looked better the closer you got. One quick battery change later and I was S-elf-ie ready (see what I did there, aha!) and it wasn't long before we were all posing for funny shot with smiles on our faces and noses pink. Once we had come to terms with the magical light source the Tweedles, Boyfriend and work colleagues all followed straight to the fastest rides we could see. A blizzard thing was happening and with Miss Tweedle-Dumb squealing at the sight of synthetic, sudsy, soap-snow I knew that there was no backing down from this. We were going on that ride. 

After taking out a second mortgage to pay for the ride tokens we waited patiently whilst as Swedish Accented European spoke to us explaining about his day and the  Winter Wonderland we were enchanted with. Finally it was our turn and being front of the queue meant we had the choice of seats. Bagging ourselves a couple of blue pods, Miss Tweedle-Dumb and I took one pod whilst Miss JoHo and another work colleague of the Tweedles took the other. A quick snap before the ride set off and we all started screaming like children right away. Loving the atmosphere I never wanted it to end as we whizzed around and around, lights blurring as we reached new speeds. Looking over at Miss Tweedle-Dumb I squeaked in happiness and was grateful to be in her company. Faces melting into the burning bulbs I could hardly keep my eyes open as the ride got even faster. Almost at a right angle now I could see nothing but colour. Feeling nauseous I continued to scream, egging the controller on to go even faster. As the ride slowed and came to an end I literally felt exhausted and slightly queasy. I wasn't the only one for the looks on Miss Tweedle-Dumb's face as well as her work friends was equally pale but happy. 

One packet of half eaten Churros and several rides later, the Octo-Gang confirmed it was time to go home. Money spent, feet hurting and my patience running thin I just wanted to get back to my bed although habit told me that would be at least another couple of hours away, from door to door. Looking back on the glow of Hyde park as it slipped behind the sparse tree-lined avenues I wondered what next year would hold for me. Would I be returning with my friends again? Maybe with a new set of friends? Maybe with Mr. Warehouse? Maybe with another 'Mister'? Who knows. I suppose that's the beauty of life you just don't know what's around the corner or who you might meet. Although I think I speak on behalf of all eight of the Winter Wonderland Posey when I say we definitely did not want to meet this next guy. 

As we all passed through the barriers to the platform of St. Pancras Station, exhausted from our day out in the bright lights of London Town, we all noticed Miss Tweedle-Dee being chatted up by a rather intoxicated drunkard and his fat friend. It was clear that whilst Miss Tweedle-Dee knew the twosome, some ex-friends of her brother, she clearly wanted to distance herself. Trying to step in I conversed with them so as to draw their attention away from my bestie. To no avail as when the train pulled into the station we discovered we were going to be train pals. It wasn't even as if we were on the fast one, it was the late night train that stops at every station possible and as the Pisshead started to get louder and more obnoxious I could tell we were in for a very, very long journey home indeed. His rounded sidekick placed himself in a seat opposite me and we proceeded to have a rather grown-up conversation about my Christmas Jumper and his classy can of budget Marks and Spencer Lager. But as Pumbaa mellowed out and sat nicely, Timon just did not shut up. And so, after several loud phone calls including some colourful expletives, and a quiet warning from Miss Tweedle-Dumb and his plump sidekick, the Boozer still persisted in badgering Miss Tweedle-Dee. 'No wonder he was an ex-friends of her brothers' I thought. I could see something stirring in the seats across the carriage from me. She was preparing a rant. As Miss Tweedle-Dumb opened her mouth I knew that this was it, immediately hitting the record button in my head not wanting to miss a moment of this heady burst. Thinking that she was going to erupt into some sort of angry, man-eating, zombie-unicorn I took shelter in my Grazia Magazine and hoped she would make an example of the twat. The entire carriage fell silent and with the eloquent finish off phrase "Now Piss Off!" blurted from Miss Tweedle-Dumb's beautifully linguistic lips Timon and Pumbaa left to go and chat up some girls, explaining how they were security guards at the local airport. From my witnessing tonight, the pair couldn't keep their dignity secure let alone a suitcase belonging to Al-Qaeda. 

So as I sink into my pillow tonight there will be only one thing on my mind; And that is that there is only thirty-one more sleeps until the big man comes and empties his sack ... All for me!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Surprise, Surprise!

Hello again,

I knew it would be too good to be true; I just knew it! So after months of dealing with a new issue every week with my landlord/estate agency I have discovered that I am being asked to leave. Suck I know! After complaining pretty much since I arrived at my new abode there has been a frenzy of issues some of which are still ongoing even as they issue me a notice to vacate.On viewing the property I was told that there was CCTV throughout communal areas so that health and safety is monitored as well as outside the property. This has never been installed inside the premises and does not record outside, only projects the video inside. Once I finally moved in I discovered a dirty bathroom and a window that did not open properly as well as just generally being unclean, all of which were due to be sorted out before I arrived. In the coming weeks and months I have had to deal with noisy and disrespectful neighbours who would regularly end up in a brawl, lack of equipment and appliances that were safe to use and fit for purpose, heating and hot water not working at all, my window being nailed shut during the heat of the summer and items of mine being pinched or stolen. It all came to a head a few weeks ago though when I went to use the hob and severely burnt myself resulting in me needing medical attention. I told my landlord and agency about this several times and yet it has taken them more than a month to apologise. But with that also came an email asking me to leave by the start of 2014. This is impossible and right before Christmas is unfair. Despite numerous emails I have had no luck so am preparing myself all I can so I stay on the right side of the law, although due to circumstances they may allow me to stay until the end of January. I'm sure Ill figure it out, I always do. Now enough about my rant and on with the show!

So after a rubbish Friday morning and realising I possibly have less than a fortnight to move out things weren't looking up for me. Despite this though I decided to stick it to the man and just go with the flow. My mentality as I placed my bum in my office chair that afternoon following lunch was fuck it. Fuck everyone and everything. Just fuck it all! And after a couple of tablets to clear a headache I was right as rain, firing through my work so I could see my Mr. Cheese and spend a glorious winter weekend being taken on a surprise weekends adventures! I had been told by the Cheese to meet me at his flat in West London before half-seven that evening and to be ready to leave soon after. So grabbing my case at home-time and hitching a ride with a colleague to the station I was excited and has out my morning behind me, promising to review it all on Monday.

After a swift and stress-free journey to London I arrived at the flat in good time. Early in fact. I'm never early. But I was. And nearly as soon as we got in we had to whizz back out again grabbing a healthy wrap from the local restaurant on the way. Briefly I had been given the evenings plans and before we knew it I was walking down a traditional avenue in an expensive borough of London towards glowing lights and faint music, slowly getting brighter and louder. As we crossed the road I saw that it was the infamous Kew Gardens. Tonight Mr. Cheese, that lovely man, had planned for us to go on a Christmasy woodland walk around the Royal park at her majesty's pleasure. As we began to wander round, cupping our steamy, mulled cider I watched as children played innocently amongst the trees. Now granted I'm not the most broody of ladies, but something that night made me more fertile to the idea - 'cuse the pun! Finally ending back up at the little wooden stalls and log cabins of the Yule-tide market we caroused the boutiques to see what gifts they may bear, although I got the impression I was being watched by someone that hadn't quiet bought any presents yet. I didn't mind though, and we had a wonderful evening pottering about and being together.

As the cold, December sun rose over the city I was still unaware of the plans Mr. Cheese had for us both for the rest of the day. As he plated up some crunchy, healthy, slightly cremated toast layered with Lemon Curd (I mean seriously, what else?) and a nice big mug of posh coffee, Mr. Cheese explained away his plan for the next few hours. We were to journey into the Capital and trawl around Borough Market, a place we had both been wanting to go to for a while. I was happy with this plan. Any man is brave when they are offering to take a girl out shopping, even if it is to a festive food market! Slightly saddened by the fact that we couldn't just slob it for the weekend, watch football (which is stupidly uncommon for me to do since I have had no interest in it ever!) and fuck, in between gorging ourselves in goodies. I pushed my thoughts to the back of my head thinking that I would be able to do plenty of that next weekend when I would be joining Mr. Cheese and his family for a Pre/Post-Christmas getaway to the countryside. And so slipping on my coat we left, venturing out into a crisp, sunny morning.

The market however was chocca-block with everyone in a manic rush to get cheese, wine, bread, cakes and more for the dinner table next week. I'm not going to lie I did feel a little suffocated at times but it was lovely waling around and seeing all the sights and smells of a good old fashioned market. Mr. Cheese and I even got to indulge in some cheese of our own, immediately catapulting us back to our first date; sat in the beer garden munching on cheese and cider. After finishing a in-depth discussion for our joint love of all things smelly in the fromage world I went to find some more free samples, but a hand grabbed me and pulled me back. "So where do you think you're going?" my dairy-fiend asked me. I replied simply and honestly I was going in search of more yummy nibbles to which his reply was simple, "I suppose you can but the table is booked for six". Gaze now averted to the bright blue eyes that stare back at me I ask him to carry on his explanation. And then Mr. Cheese kills me with the answer. "For dinner," he starts. "We shall be dining at the Michelin-star restaurant owned by a little chef called Raymond Blanc. But first I will be taking you on a the London Eye in a premier pod with Champagne!"

For a second I didn't know what to say. I just smiled inanely like a Cheshire cat on crystal-meth. The first words that fell out my mouth were exactly what I was thinking and that was how spoilt I was being treated. How I could have never worked out his plans. Everything suddenly felt like a dream and it felt like I had finally found someone that treated me like a princess. After some cuddles squashed up against a door from the market crowds we continued in hunt of free nibblets, after a while in which we headed back to the tube and to the landmark that is, The London Eye.

Arriving at the helm of such a large, white iron structure, Mr. Cheese wheedled his way through the hordes of tourists I stood by to take it all in. After joining the queue of other couples and sight-seer's we hopped (quiet literally) on board our pod and started our journey to the heights above London. Timed perfectly, it was sunset although due to the clouds in the sky there wasn't the best view but was still breathtaking. As I was handed a glass of Champagne, Mr. Cheese and myself clinked our flutes in a silent toast and as we turned to look at the illuminated skyline I couldn't help but think of more occasions where we could be drinking Champagne after a toast. I must note at this point that I'm not a weirdo and that all women have these thoughts at some point in life, just so happens mine are more frequent, but I don't hang onto the ideas and pragmatics of such like I had done with Mr. Workaholic. I have learnt well that those wedding bells may just be the chimes of the death cart! Back on solid ground we wandered off down the embankment lit up for a twilight walk and after popping into a nearby cafe to buy a homeless man a hot cup of tea, we ending up outside the front of an impressive red restaurant in which I felt very under-dressed for the establishment. Nevertheless we sat and ate at a small table near a Christmas tree, although being in an indecisive mood I decided to just copy whatever my date for the evening had.

That evening Mr. Cheese and I sagged into bed, our eyes heavy from the exhausting day. But whether Mr. Cheese had planned this or not is something I shall never know but after some pillow talk we finally got on with the main event. stripping each other naked and lying snuggled under the sheets I was taken higher than I ever could have gone on the London Eye, and more than once that evening too. Again and again and again I felt the build up of pure excitement, fizzing throughout my entire body. Making me shake with anticipation as Mr. Cheese held me there in a suspension of pleasure before letting me explode around him, crashing me into reality, but not for long before he made me soar once more. Oh, his hands. His wonderful, wonderful hands.

Sunday morning was somewhat uneventful, just a good old fashioned lye-in and some home-cooked food; i.e healthy, nutty toast again. Still reeling from the night before I was carrying on the orgasm for most of the day, complementing and praising his skills. I do hope Mr. Cheese doesn't get a too fat head for all of this publicity, haha! Despite having a pre-planned date with Mr. Rockclimber on Sunday afternoon I thought it best to head home and work out what I planned to do about the house situation and so after we had finished our teary cuddles we headed to a cafe for a sweet bite to eat before I reluctantly had to leave to get my train home, but not before the most intimate moment of my life so far this year, and I didn't even get my kit off...

As we lay there on Mr. Cheese's double-bed Sunday afternoon, we talked of how Miss Tweedle-Dee and Miss Tweedle-Dumb worry me beyond belief about there own life stuff and the things that had troubled us both throughout the years. We discussed in great depth our battles with Depression and how we overcame the terrible grip it had on us. I thought to myself how indifferent we are and how normal such a disease really is. Opening up he told me how after his grandad died at the beginning of the year everything seemed to come all at once and the feeling of not being in control was one that I knew well enough to sympathise with. Lifting our spirits higher I mentioned how much of a better place we were both in now, and as Christmas ballads played softly in the background, my dear Cheese whispered his words of happiness at finding me and as he did so a small, wet tear fell. Sniffling, as tears rolled down his face I pulled him close into my chest and cuddled him tightly as he sobbed. I didn't know why or how this had even happened, all I knew is that it had maybe all boiled over and at that point he just needed to let go. I knew exactly what he was having to deal with and knowing that afterwards he would be happier for having a little weep. But as he pulled away from my warm embrace and as I wiped away his tears he explained that they were not tears of sadness but tears of joy and happiness that he had found someone like me. As my heart started to break and melt at the same time I pulled him in again to my bosom and for a second I thought even I might cry. Singularly the most touched I have ever been.

And so that concludes my week, or more so weekend. The house situation still has not been resolved yet but hopefully but this time next week I wont be homeless. Not that it would matter anyway. Its Christmas and I will be writing to you from a cosy cottage in the Winterylandscape of middle England, with Mr. Cheese and his family! Eeek! Don't worry, I am sure I shall have some tales to tell...

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx