Queen Eliz-a-bus and other stories from the annoyance of Public Transport!

Evening Everyone, 

So day in and day out I make the journey to work, like most people. Some people cycle, and, on the odd occasion I join them. Some lucky people drive, and, I do not join them. And with that it leaves the rest of us all commuting via public transport. Now if it so happens that you live in Europe, where public transport is some of the best in the world in my view (despite hardly ever using it) or if you live in a big, well connected city like London or another capital town such as Manchester, Edinburgh or Dublin then public transport pretty much sucks ass. 

I am a well established 'Bus Wanker' - A term coined from hit UK Telly show 'The Inbetweeners' as a mean derogatory term used for those whom have not yet purchased their own piece of metal on wheels. Now please don't get me wrong I would love to learn to drive and afford my own car but with salaries are being kept at minimum inflation rates both here in Britain but also probably across the world which means any hope of me learning, passing, buying and finally getting on the road are nigh on impossible on my annual income, especially since I have over £700.00 worth of rent, gas, water, electricity and food bills coming out not to mention council tax and the likes coming out of my bank every month it is expensive enough to live alone without throwing a car into the mix as well.

A while ago now, there I was being contacted by an Agency as I was out of work at the time and they have a job that is perfect, the boss thinks I'm fit for the job in hand and all is set up ready for me to start as soon as possible. But wait. What is this? They refuse to give me employment simply because I don't drive and so using public transport would be an inconvenience for them as a company and apparently dangerous for me to travel down long country roads after and before work. This is ridiculous and I cant believe that employers are actually getting away with this. Why would you advertise a job with an immediate start date and urgently needing to be filled if your going to refuse people that are willing to commute and are willing to work. It makes no sense. I wouldn't have minded if it had said "Driving license required" or "Needs to drive due to rural location" but no, nothing. I cant see how this would be missed off a job advertisement if it was essential or at least a preference from an employer. Surely if someone is willing to commute nearly an hour and a half they are good enough for the job. I call this false advertising of the worst kind; getting someones hopes up in offering them a job and then turning them down, just because they don't drive.

I read on-line recently that a lady was offended by the endearing term 'Bus Wanker' and most upset she took to Twitter to voice her concerns: "Whats wrong with the bus, i like it, you get to meet random people of all types, you get a free Metro to read, you can listen to your ipod, you can chat to interesting people, or drink a coffee or can of lemonade etc, have lunch on the run etc. why?" Well dearest questioner, let me enlighten you as to why *Cue twinkly fairytale music*

I think some of the worst things about having to use public transport is the fact that it is always late. Most people who know me are well aware of my inability to be on time for anything (despite my New Years Resolution of 2015) but buses, in all and every capacity I think, are just beyond silly sometimes. You could meet a man, get married, have 3.4 children with him, divorce and then have a heart attack all in the time it takes for the sodding bus to arrive. It always seems as well that buses and trains are never punctual when you need them to be. Job interviews, meetings and appointments, all of them cancelled, post-poned or delayed because of some technical error or human cock-up!

Something that has really annoyed me recently and for the last like forever is this. When your terribly late for something, job interview, work or meeting friends then it is the ultimate frustration when you get onto a bus or a train in that matter of fact and it ends up not going anywhere. Now obviously the reason for this is that it is not scheduled to leave once I am on board, but its annoying when your in a hurry and you need to get somewhere fast. Then, when it is time to go it just poodles on down the road, or tracks without a care in the world. No urgency. Just bumbling along like its on a jolly kids cartoon. Really gets on my nerves!

Another thing that really gets on my wick is this. I'm on a bus on the way to somewhere of importance. Nothing is awry, Bus is on time and I'm happily hungry so I crack out my nachos that I have just bought from a bangin' High Street food chain we all know and love (especially after a night out) - Subway. There I am tucking into a quick snack when a little old lady, sweet as you like pokes her nose in and points at the sign on the bus door. 'No food or drink allowed to be consumed on this bus' it reads. Courteously yet peeved and wishing the Grim Reaper was lurking about, I stop and put my nachos away. "Moany old bag, just on you way for a coffin fitting are we dear?" I thought, angrily. I think someone must have been jealous, I mean who does she think she is - The bus queen. Her Majesty Stagecoach. Queen Eliz-a-bus. I don't think so!

So as the bus pulls out of the station I am starting to get more and more agitated at the fact she has halted my munch time! About ten minutes into the journey I notice an Asian mother and her children on the bus when the mother gives her child a pear. I think nothing of it until it dawns on me that the Bus Queen is not interrupting their snacking. Why I think? Maybe it is because if a little old white lady in her seventy's asked an Asian women to stop her little Asian boy from eating a pear on board a bus then she would probably be shown the racist card and maybe even the finger coupled with a few choice words. So I keep quiet but secretly think to myself about how an adorable Asian boy with curly locks and big brown cow-eyes can eat a pear with his Mummy but me, a single twenty-something young (beautiful, intelligent, witty) women isn't allowed to eat her nachos in peace. I mean it's not like there is a law stating that you cannot eat on the bus. Smoking is illegal (In the UK anyway) but consumption food or beverage is not 'Queen Eliz-a-bus' so next time butt out, or my nachos will be going splat-chos all over your face. 

And with that I now come to the end of a long rant about public transport and retire to my bed, where I will rise in the morning and take the bus to work. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx

Walking in a Winter Wonderland!

Morning guys and gals, 

So as I am sure you can all guess by the title this week I have officially started my countdown to Christmas 2014, although I am pretty sure that started back in September when I began buying presents for everyone. And so as the pennies and pounds start dribbling fast out of my bank account on stocking fillers and the extra bottles of plonk for the big day I am getting increasingly more and more excited. This weekend however, I spent some Q.T with that big bear in my life, Mr. Warehouse but I am pleased to say that whilst we are officially now dating (Eeek, scary) I am wholly devoted to my girls, Miss Tweedle-Dumb and Miss Tweedle-Dee. 

Saturday morning I was roused by something hard digging into my spine. Slowly coming round to the winter sun streaming through my window and the chilliness that lay on the other side of the duvet I realised that I hadn't fallen asleep with my back against Pinocchio's face, it was just my Boyfriend! Oh dear lord its even weird writing let alone saying it! And with a swift burst of energy I was wide awake and heavenly satisfied once more. With both of us out on prior engagements we decided pillow talk was best kept short and sweet so I slung on my Christmas jumper and a brand new pair of super tight skinnies and headed for the kettle. 

Monging around for a few hours before we both had to leave, Mr. Warehouse was like a puppy following me around and feeling sorry for himself that we wouldn't be spending the day together. I stood my ground though and whilst I felt bad that I wouldn't be able to celebrate at one of his many family events I had my own family to attend to. Boarding a train I sipped on my iced-coffee from AMT called a 'Froffee' and it is literally to die for, Pret do something similar and again I would easily kill for one! Anyway, as the train pulled up to the station I once called home I saw my friends faces eagerly anticipating my arrival. As I got off and ushered them all to get on and grab a seat I was introduced to some familiar sounding names and a couple of familiar faces. Chatting as we raced down to London I could tell we were all excited for our day out in the big smoke. On the agenda was dinner at TGI Fridays in Leicester Square and then to head on over to Hyde Park for what seems to be now for me an annual trip to Winter Wonderland. 

As we stormed into London I felt an almost overwhelming sense of anxiousness take me over. I hadn't been back here since Mr. Cheese and I was worried about how I would feel now being back. I wasn't to worry though as I think the Tweedle's sensed something may be amiss. As we disembarked the train and headed out of St. Pancras Station I felt everyone surround me and whilst I know it sounds stupid I felt supported and happy to have them there. I honestly don't know how I would have felt or reacted on my own or with anyone else for that matter. The fact that I was on the brink of wetting myself probably helped with taking my mind off things but as we walked past my beloved Starbucks I couldn't help but think of the moment back in February when Mr. Cheese and I parted. 

Toilet stops done and out the way we headed for the Tubes. Feeling like I was somewhat at home again I strategically guided us through the mixture of tourists and weekend workers to Leicester Square. Looking around and seeing the sights I was once so familiar with we all gazed around in wonder like children as we conversed, waiting for Miss Tweedle-Dumb's other half to arrive in from Berkshire. Once all eight of us were together we headed on up to the spectacular M&M World, right in the heart of the Strip. Even before we walked in you could smell the sweet, creamy chocolatey flavours just wafting through the air. As we elbowed our way through the crowds and looked at overpriced merchandise all of us came to realise that this was a pure novelty and no expense was going to be made by this Octo-gang today! And after a disappointment with TGI's not having a table for eight available we ended up going to Chiquitos instead. Not as good as the independent Mexican Mr. Cheese took me to in Victoria but alright I guess for a quick and easy dinner with the odd game of 'Chinese Whispers'. That was until the restaurant royally fucked up the bill more than twice. In the end I think we had all had enough of the stupid flavoured popcorn and overly priced cocktails and left. 

Now was for the real party time! Braving the chilly November air we stepped back out into the city, heading over to the Underground once more, this time ending up at Marble Arch, albeit a rather long-winded route. Dodging some busy traffic speeding across four lanes and singing Christmas songs all the way down the Mall we finally arrived. You could see it from a distance, you always could but somehow it looked better the closer you got. One quick battery change later and I was S-elf-ie ready (see what I did there, aha!) and it wasn't long before we were all posing for funny shot with smiles on our faces and noses pink. Once we had come to terms with the magical light source the Tweedles, Boyfriend and work colleagues all followed straight to the fastest rides we could see. A blizzard thing was happening and with Miss Tweedle-Dumb squealing at the sight of synthetic, sudsy, soap-snow I knew that there was no backing down from this. We were going on that ride. 

After taking out a second mortgage to pay for the ride tokens we waited patiently whilst as Swedish Accented European spoke to us explaining about his day and the  Winter Wonderland we were enchanted with. Finally it was our turn and being front of the queue meant we had the choice of seats. Bagging ourselves a couple of blue pods, Miss Tweedle-Dumb and I took one pod whilst Miss JoHo and another work colleague of the Tweedles took the other. A quick snap before the ride set off and we all started screaming like children right away. Loving the atmosphere I never wanted it to end as we whizzed around and around, lights blurring as we reached new speeds. Looking over at Miss Tweedle-Dumb I squeaked in happiness and was grateful to be in her company. Faces melting into the burning bulbs I could hardly keep my eyes open as the ride got even faster. Almost at a right angle now I could see nothing but colour. Feeling nauseous I continued to scream, egging the controller on to go even faster. As the ride slowed and came to an end I literally felt exhausted and slightly queasy. I wasn't the only one for the looks on Miss Tweedle-Dumb's face as well as her work friends was equally pale but happy. 

One packet of half eaten Churros and several rides later, the Octo-Gang confirmed it was time to go home. Money spent, feet hurting and my patience running thin I just wanted to get back to my bed although habit told me that would be at least another couple of hours away, from door to door. Looking back on the glow of Hyde park as it slipped behind the sparse tree-lined avenues I wondered what next year would hold for me. Would I be returning with my friends again? Maybe with a new set of friends? Maybe with Mr. Warehouse? Maybe with another 'Mister'? Who knows. I suppose that's the beauty of life you just don't know what's around the corner or who you might meet. Although I think I speak on behalf of all eight of the Winter Wonderland Posey when I say we definitely did not want to meet this next guy. 

As we all passed through the barriers to the platform of St. Pancras Station, exhausted from our day out in the bright lights of London Town, we all noticed Miss Tweedle-Dee being chatted up by a rather intoxicated drunkard and his fat friend. It was clear that whilst Miss Tweedle-Dee knew the twosome, some ex-friends of her brother, she clearly wanted to distance herself. Trying to step in I conversed with them so as to draw their attention away from my bestie. To no avail as when the train pulled into the station we discovered we were going to be train pals. It wasn't even as if we were on the fast one, it was the late night train that stops at every station possible and as the Pisshead started to get louder and more obnoxious I could tell we were in for a very, very long journey home indeed. His rounded sidekick placed himself in a seat opposite me and we proceeded to have a rather grown-up conversation about my Christmas Jumper and his classy can of budget Marks and Spencer Lager. But as Pumbaa mellowed out and sat nicely, Timon just did not shut up. And so, after several loud phone calls including some colourful expletives, and a quiet warning from Miss Tweedle-Dumb and his plump sidekick, the Boozer still persisted in badgering Miss Tweedle-Dee. 'No wonder he was an ex-friends of her brothers' I thought. I could see something stirring in the seats across the carriage from me. She was preparing a rant. As Miss Tweedle-Dumb opened her mouth I knew that this was it, immediately hitting the record button in my head not wanting to miss a moment of this heady burst. Thinking that she was going to erupt into some sort of angry, man-eating, zombie-unicorn I took shelter in my Grazia Magazine and hoped she would make an example of the twat. The entire carriage fell silent and with the eloquent finish off phrase "Now Piss Off!" blurted from Miss Tweedle-Dumb's beautifully linguistic lips Timon and Pumbaa left to go and chat up some girls, explaining how they were security guards at the local airport. From my witnessing tonight, the pair couldn't keep their dignity secure let alone a suitcase belonging to Al-Qaeda. 

So as I sink into my pillow tonight there will be only one thing on my mind; And that is that there is only thirty-one more sleeps until the big man comes and empties his sack ... All for me!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx