Where's my Xanax!

Hiya!

Have do you ever feel as if you just want to put the brakes on? When you just want to tell everything or everyone to stop. Freeze. A moment in time. I do and truth be told I have probably felt this way for a few weeks now. Since coming back from Ireland I feel as if everything has been on fast forward mode. Work is busy, so is my schedule to try and get slimmer for summer and my social life is hectic. On top of all of this I also have several big life events to contend with. My Grandfather passing away and his hastily approaching funeral and my best friend since being a small child emigrating are just the tip of the iceberg. 

Miss Tweedle-Dumb has been there through it all and to be honest there isn't anything that I think our friendship has not been through or tested by. In all fairness I am almost certain that some of those testing's probably came from me directly but I would not change our friendship or life together that we have shared since we first met in the sandpit of our Lower School. Me and Miss Tweedle-Dumb were the best of friends and when Miss Tweedle-Dee came along, every man and his dog were telling us all that it would never work out and "three's a crowd"! But through the decades we have always remained friends. Now of course there is sometimes a love/hate relationship as we all know what buttons to press and I think when asked individually, Miss Tweedle-Dumb, Miss Tweedle-Dee and I would be lying if we said that we didn't piss off each other at least mildly on the odd occasion. I think like most girls we are a little bit jealous or envious of each other, well, at least I know that I am, and on its own this could be a toxic combination. However when it is combined with a rock-solid strong friendship and a resilience that we share together, a little reminder to keep up with the Jones' is just whats required to keep our 'A' game. 

And maybe it is this that I am worried or scared of, that we have been friends for so long that I don't know what it is going to be like without all three of us together. Looking back on things, it was about two-decades (God I'm old) that we met, all the way back in the heady heights of late 90's scrunchies, A1 Posters and Jelly shoes! I suppose in a way it wasn't that long ago that I was having the same worries and fears that I was now about Miss Tweedle-Dumb moving to Basingstoke to be closer with her fiancee. There I was thinking that the whole world would Collide in on itself because my best friend moved a couple of hours down the road. And to think that whilst LA is nice and all, I would sooner her take a couple of hours drive down to the Anbil rather than boarding a plane for several hours. I just know I am going to miss her so much and that may be the fact she is emigrating and moving on with her new life in the sunshine state it just worries me that I wont be a part of it or her life anymore. 

Maybe a part of me feels that I am not in control despite not necessarily needing to have any control over anything. Take the funeral for example. With the funeral less than a fortnight away, I feel a heavy pressure to look a certain way, talk a certain way and act a certain way that it's all becoming a bit stressful. The fact that I am a fully fledged adult and know exactly how to act, what to wear and what to say is obviously beyond them, my Dad in particular. I know he means well and just does it as he maybe wants me to come across in the best way or to not mess up and embarrass either me or himself and the family, but sometimes it is just so overwhelming. I worry constantly every day about being judged. I am forever conscience of not upsetting someone or being inconsiderate or not saying or doing the right thing that its leaving me in an anxious mess. In the beginning it was only a fleeting thought that maybe, just maybe, whatever I did was never going to be good enough whereas now it is a constant reminder. 

I don't know, is this what anxiety feels like?! Constantly in a state of worry or concern? Always overthinking things? Is this why I feel the need to be in control? I am terrified that something will go wrong and that it will all be my fault. I am worried that the funeral wont go to plan and that I wont know what to do or say on the day itself, I'll just be in a snotty, teary kitchen-floor-reset state or that big or small, something will happen that will spoil the day for everyone. I have been told that I expect too much (from myself) and that I need not be so hard on myself when things don't go to plan, but I do and I don't know why. All I can hope is that everything is alright on the night and that when it really comes down to the crunch that I stay calm and collected. Now, wheres my Xanax!

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx