Loch Stress Monster!

Evening, 

So after feeling so helpless last week my emotions are still a little bit all over the place and I think that this will probably be the case until well after the funeral on Friday of this week. I still I still feel as though I'm not in control even though I don't necessarily need to be. I almost get the impression that there is something that I am forgetting to do organised or plan. Something has been missed off my to-do list and I'm terrified that it will be on the day and at that very moment that I need it that I choose to remember. 

With all of this and more on my mind I felt that it would be an ample time to use some of the vouchers we got for Christmas on a spa day for Mr Warehouse and I. Well needed I think definitely I was looking forward to having some time relaxing and not thinking or worrying about anything. Including access to the swimming pool, sauna and steam room facilities plus a short treatment as well as a luscious afternoon tea with champagne was definitely what I needed. Arriving on on the day at the hotels reception, Mr Warehouse and I were welcomed into the premises with a nice cup of tea and coffee. Relaxing into the soft and comfy chairs of the Holiday Inn Corby lounge area we talked for a few moments and I wondered the last time we had had an opportunity to do such a thing together just the two of us. Truth we told that we hadn't actually probably since we had been to Bath back in late November. I think what with Christmas, New Year's, saving for the house and the more recent events of the last few months I will be the first one to admit that we probably have not spent that much quality time together just the two of us. Maybe I need to make some time for that. Hmmm ... 

After chilling out on the lounges by the pool it was time for my treatment. Heading down to the spa and Treatment Rooms I was excited and glad to be massaged for the next 25 minutes. That was until I met the masseuse. Taking me into the treatment room everything was going swimmingly and I was describing exactly how I would like to feel after my massage and what areas I would like her to concentrate on. On leaving the room I took off my bikini top and lay down as instructed beneath the towel blanket. Coming back into the room the masseuse soon whipped off the towel only to reveal my bikini bottoms still on. 

"Oh well those will need to be removed as they will make my blanket and bed wet. I'll leave the room again!" the masseuse said with a attitude problem. Feeling on edge and certainly far from relaxed I did as she asked and resumed my position on the bed. On coming back into the room she yet again tugged down the towel only this time, revealing my bare bum.  Trying to think nothing else of it I tried to relax. This was especially difficult when I was told that I was not in the best position for right angle. At one point I obviously was not relaxed enough for her liking to which she grabbed my arm and flopped it back and forth in an effort to 'loosen it up'. I can only assume at that both my arms are pretty tense and knotted since the angry Scottish lady had to do this several times with each arm which only seemed to aggravate her even more. When it came to working up to my neck and shoulder area I wasn't even given the chance to be told what I needed to do or how to relax as best as possible as the masseuse just grabbed my head and pushed it into whatever position she needed. 

Harping back to the days of my 2015 Blog post 'No Pain No Gain' of Mr. Masseuse, well I think I found his wife! I sometimes wonder to myself am I ever able to have a moment where life doesn't throw me a curve-ball or something as hilarious as this in order to be worthy of blog material. On finishing the massage I didn't think too much else of it and left the room feeling in a way on edge and not at all as though I had just had a relaxing massage. I was polite as ever and thanked the masseuse before exiting the spa only to see Mr Warehouse sat waiting for his treatment. I briefly explain to him that more likely than not he would have the same lady as I had and if this was the case then he should just relax, relax, relax! To be honest I would have just Shrugged it off as her attitude and something that may be had pissed her off earlier in the day had maybe put her in a foul mood, but when Mr Warehouse met me by poolside ready to go down for our afternoon tea, he too had explained how she had attempted the floppy arm manoeuvre on him also. Unfortunately the apparent desired effect have not had any workings on Mr Warehouse and therefore had been abruptly huffed at that if he was unable to relax his arms then there would be no point in her trying to massage them. We tried not to let it spoil the rest of our day however we would be lying to say that it didn't put a damper on it. Afternoon tea however was lovely and as ever very filling. 

Sitting here now thinking about it and after talking to work colleagues today in the office about how my weekend went, I suppose in a way I do kind of feel a little bit let down and disappointed generally with the experience that Mr. Warehouse and I had. Especially since this was meant to be a relaxing Sunday afternoon before what was going to be a very busy, hectic and emotional week 4 not just me but also Mr Warehouse also as he tries to support me through a difficult time. The pressure to look, talk, act and be a certain way is still immense and the whole idea that things will just go as they are on the day is simply not sitting right with me, causing me to be highly anxious and constantly worrying about everything and anything that could go wrong. 

It's becoming a bit stressful and overwhelming so truth be told I will be happy when I have said my part at the crematorium and event can relax with a drink or two, once I drive home of course. I worry constantly and feel like I am on a permanent wobble. I have even worried that this might be the beginning of that god awful cloud feeling.Sometimes I feel like I have to put on such an act for everyone, pretending to be happy-go-lucky and enjoying and loving life, Its long. I feel like I am forever walking on eggshells and scared of not upsetting someone or being inconsiderate or not saying or doing the right thing that its leaving me felling that whatever I do is never going to be good enough. 

All I can hope is that what everybody is telling me is the truth and that going forward everything will be OK. I think maybe I just need to slow down, calm down and collect myself and my thoughts. Everything will be Okay. I'm sure of it. 

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx