More Sleepless Nights

Evening,  

Going into the new year I was less than positive about 2021. Sat there on New Year's eve, probably for the first time in my adult life, tucked up in bed and watching the fireworks, albeit last years London skyline performance.

So the story goes (yes I know going off on a sideline but trust me this is both worth it just for the laugh and also to confirm that I am still as ditsy as when I first started this blog nearly a decade ago), numb-nuts here figured that since it was quarter to midnight she would watch a couple of nail art compilations and then she would just type into Youtube and find a live stream of the celebrations in the capital. Sure great idea. Only the video I chose to watch was very worrying with people crowding the banks of the River Thames and marshalls and police doing nothing to disperse the gatherings and seemingly enjoying the dancing and celebrating too. Swaths of people lined the streets and amidst my dismay, for lack of social distancing, I felt lucky to have tuned in with just ten-seconds to go. Beckoning our little pup to my chest I sat up in bed as Mr Warehouse slept soundly next to me. The skies suddenly lit up outside in the street with colourful fireworks and loud pops and bangs. Blue laser's flashed through the dark night as I stood at the window, pup in arms watching and telling him to "shh" at every sound. He seemed fascinated. Mr Warehouse on the other hand was unimpressed with being awoken in such an unsavoury manner.

Feeling successfully fulfilled I switched over to some videos about horror stories or Amazon finds before settling down and falling asleep. Waking in the morning I informed my fiance of the farce that was the fireworks in London I had witnessed the night before, and, watching it again on demand this time for his benefit I soon realised that this was not the same thing I had watched last night. Even then I did not notice the error of my ways and instead thought I had watched something maybe from Channel 4 or another live stream randomly on the internet. It was not until I noted looking through my Youtube history showing Mr Warehouse what I had seen that I realised, stupidly that I had been watching the fireworks and celebrations from New Year's Eve - 2019. Apparently, 2020 wasn't that bad and my sub-conscience would like to relive it again, please.

I must admit I felt silly and low and behold it has not improved much in the four-days since then as just hot off the press, Boris Johnson has called a press conference this evening confirming that despite Christmas being cancelled, despite most of the UK going into the most severe of tiers (Tier 4) and despite a vaccine being rolled out with mass inoculating taking place (apparently) we are going into yet another nationwide Lockdown. And there was me complaining several weeks ago that many areas including London, Bedfordshire, Hertfordshire and Buckinghamshire amongst other in the South East in basically fucking lockdown number 3 and how it was going to be the first time in my entire life that I would not be spending Christmas with my family. If only I knew then what I do now - Although to be fair another Lockdown was absolutely on the cards and almost inevitable and unavoidable as case numbers and deaths have sored over the festive period because people can't fucking keep it together. 

But the frustrating thing is that I get it. As I mentioned last week, with everything that has happened in the last twelve months and how much has been stolen from not just me but my family as well, missing out on BBQ's, parties, seeing loved ones, birthdays, new babies, holidays and our damned fucking wedding (which I still and almost even more-so now don't feel totally optimistic about going ahead at the moment) would anyone blame anyone else for wanting to act out?

After starting my new job today and soaking up as much as my little brain (and I emphasize little referring you to the earlier mishap with said NYE celebrations) could take, I am extremely on edge now about everything. The rug has well and truly been ripped out from beneath my feet and I am now second-guessing every move I have made. Was this the right decision to move jobs? Was now a great time to start somewhere new? Can I do this? Am I able to learn a job fully remotely and continue working from home for what could potentially be the next quarter? Will I be furloughed? Will I be laid off? And that is what is spinning round in my head right now and that's without the constant grinding thoughts about the wedding or starting a family or just organising the spare room. No wonder I can't sleep at night. I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

* Breathes *

Despite all my hopes and the need to keep at the forefront of my mind that things will get better; That this for it is only a temporary measure, a small blip on what will hopefully be an extensive lifetime of amazing things - I just hope that this is all worth the wait, worth the purging for and worth the sacrifices we have all had to make so that we can all get back to a bit more normality.

'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx