Evening everyone,
So last week I spoke of my tales of old in which I relived some memories from college, not all of them lovely ones mind? But I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did writing them. Its nice to see sometime how much you have grown up since then, even if it was only a few years ago. This week has been a ball breaker at work, slogging it out trying to catch as much money as possible before the year end and what with loosing a couple of weeks in December already down to Christmas and New Years you can imagine how manic everyone offices are. Nevertheless I know you all well enough by now to know that you don't tune in every week to hear about how spiffing my job in finance is. You wanna know about the sex, scandal and slip-ups and I don't blame you.
Now after our conversation a few weeks ago with Mr. Cheese and I, I felt comfortable about my place within our 'relationship-that's-not-a-relationship' and was confident about the direction my life was taking. Although I have felt as though life in general has become a bit humdrum since I'm not partying as much due to the colder climate and as a result becoming a bit of a boring arse! So knowing fully my position in life I decided to go on another adventure and back to a time before Cheese and Butterfly bridges. I have reinvented myself and popped myself back on the shelf again like an adorable fluffy teddy-bear. Although this time I don't know how I entirely feel about being on the market again for the second time this year; Especially when I feel someone else has already invested a fair bit into me.
On the one hand I feel like life is lagging a bit of late and for someone whom only just this time last year was embarking on their first taste of the dating world after being out of the game for so long I can hardly blame myself for wanting more. I'm young and need to act as such. I hate the fact that when I get in a relationship I turn into a little timid housewife from 1954 whereby I do all the stuff a lady should do and answer to every man's want, need, wish and desire. Now don't get me wrong a part of me loves being that person in a relationship but lets be honest I will have my whole life (once married and trapped) to make my husband feel that regal and empowered. Right now I need to find myself more than I have already and have fun not worrying about what lies beyond the following year. I need to party and enjoy life because before long I will have children tugging at my ankles and a sex-deprived caveman whom deserves all the praise in the world for putting up with an accident-prone bimbo like me. Its nothing to do with Mr. Cheese at all, I just feel that I should take advantage of the opportunities now so I don't regret anything when I'm cleaning dried baby-milk-puke off my new blouse.
After posting up some new pictures and trawling through all those frogs, Ive found a few good looking fellas and already have several dates lined up for the rest of the year and even a few into next. One gentleman I have made acquaintances with has already booked me for next Sunday afternoon/evening and we are going Rock-Climbing. Now I know my profile says ''think outside the box'' when it comes to going on a date but I must admit I was a little taken aback and surprised when I was told we would be getting to know each other when my derrière will be scaling a Faux Everest. Nevertheless, with Miss Tweedle-Dee and Miss Tweedle-Dumb's persuasion I have obliged and this time next week I can assure you I will have another embarrassing narrative for you all. Another male I met was a rather forward chap from Northamptonshire which already had set alarm-bells ringing since I used to co-habit there with Mr. Workaholic. He suggested a movie night, snuggled up. Sounds blissful until you realise that he only has a telly in his room, has no sofa - just a bed and he like to spoon. No problems with any of those things, but for a first date. Maybe not.
I am sure though that whilst I have the free-range to do anything as and when I please with who I please (or pleases me as the case may be) that I shall make full use of it. But on the other hand I feel that maybe it would be nice to settle down and have some stability for once. Next April it will have been two-years since Mr. Workaholic left and I am glad to say that I feel that if I wanted it that bad that I could deal with a relationship. Mr. Cheese is a wonderful person. So kind and caring; considerate and thoughtful. Heck he even turned up at mine on Saturday afternoon with a bunch of Christmas flowers. The reason? Simply answered with a smile and a "Just because". He likes me and I like him. When we lye together and laugh about all the silly things in life like call-centre's and peoples names I realise that I might already be searching for something that could be right under my snozzer! But this then poses a big question. One that my dear friend's Miss Tatts and Miss Chocolate asked me in detail over coffee on a catch-up in London this weekend. She asked me to answer it truthfully. "Is he 'The One?"
What a monumental question that is. The over-bearing question could only be answered honestly and for a girl who thought she had fallen in love with a guy she wasn't even exclusively in a relationship with it was hard. Mr. Cheese and I have only been seeing each other for five months, and that sort of question is almost unanswerable at this stage. I do care for Mr. Cheese alot. A hell of alot. But whether he will be 'The One' who I see my fairytale life with is still questionable. I mean I'm not going to lie. I have thought about it. Maybe every time I pass a wedding shop, be it with or without him the idea catapults into my mind. But unlike all the other times I push them aside, accepting that it may not be that face that I see when my veil finally goes up. As time has gone by over the past few months I have thought about all manner of things, not just weddings. I have thought about the before's and after's. The living together and moving in, the family life and raising of children. But all of it is trivial because I know it may well not be with Mr. Cheese. Its nice to think about it, but reality has taught me in the past and if I have ever learnt anything from Mr. Workaholic it was to never trust anyone with your hopes and dreams because you may have thought that you have found everything you have ever been looking for, but you may not be what they have been looking for ...
All in all Mr. Cheese is a fantastic guy and I do honestly mean it from the bottom of my heart that I can see myself spending many an afternoon frolicking in each others company bumbling along from months, maybe even years to come. But do I want that? Because lets be honest we are all guilty of hurrying things along once they are official. After two people meet its "So when are you two going to hook up?" After that its the dilemma of "When are you two going to move in together?" Then its the proposal, marriage, kids, house, dog, schools, cars and who is included on the joint Christmas list. Whereas I enjoy partying and having a cheeky kiss and a dance with randomer's I don't know the names of, whenever I am exhausted, lying on those tee-pee moobs playing with the chest wig, I can imagine it being anyone else I would want to be with. The one and only. Mr. Cheese. But I like things as they are; Freedom if and when I want it but with the knowledge that in the background, something beautiful is growing.
'Til next time, Love A.Lou xx
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